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November 12 Walking into PatienceToday I noticed something in myself... my patience is different. One of the things we've marveled at is how we could go clear to the other side of the earth to find our children, and one of them turns out to be JUST LIKE ME in a lot of ways. That said, I feel like when Zack tries to pull his shenanegans, I pounce to try and squelch the appearance (or fact) of manipulation on his part. I'm not entirely sure where that comes from in me, but I see some of his controlling tendencies as familiar - like my own. Zack's tough exterior at times reminds me of myself - the need to feel accepted, the need to explain... these traits are some that I share with him. However as an adult I have had the opportunity and choice to work on my awareness around these traits. What can I say? I'm a work in progress but, aren't we all?
Anyway, with some of his attitude lately I have been less than patient with him. It is yet another work in progress on my part. Step 1 was gaining awareness. Step 2 has been putting action into practice and I've found I'm learning to breathe through my frustrations with him. Last night was Aleksandr's soccer team party. I don't know how I got thrown into the team mom role but I did, and had to pull a party together last minute. Not something I consider fun when I was at work at 4 am that morning. So true to Zack's style, he was belly aching about being hungry and not being able to play the video games he wanted because the six year olds wouldn't let him and the pizza people hadn't started his dinner, and he wanted Mountain Dew... and on and on and on... to the point he was making it so much about him that I was missing what the coach was saying. I couldn't concentrate on the other parents. It was very stressful. I gave Rick one of those "I-feel-like strangling-your-son" looks as I breathed through the stress. I finally looked Zack straight in the eye and told him, calmly, that he was raining on Alek's day and making it difficult for me to enjoy. I told him his behavior was very rude and self-serving. Then I told him his brother would probably make the best of his soccer team party when his time came and drew a comparison between him and his little brother. He settled down (and about that time the food came).
So, while I was estraordinarily stressed, I wasn't losing it. It was a good start.
Today I picked Zack up from school and he didn't have his usual sparkle. He told me right away that he didn't feel great. My first instinct was to feel his cheek and see if he was warm. Seemed fine. But when we got home, just to be sure, I took his temp. 99.6. I made up my mind he would not be going to soccer practice tonight. You'd have thought I had taken away his favorite puppy. He whined and carried on for about 20 minutes, crying and begging me to take him to practice. In the past I could see that I would have gotten annoyed and short tempered with the crying. Instead I repeatedly reminded myself that he is a boy and he wants to play his sport. He must be so disappointed. I'd be. So I just kept telling him how sorry I was that he couldn't go. I only explained once that it was to make sure he was well enough to play in Saturday's playoff game. But a 10 year old boy only hears what he isn't being allowed to do. Remarkable, I stayed calm and didn't flinch. Eventually he simmered down. Not one cross word was uttered, nor one word intoned.
And I felt it - I felt the effort to stay calm, and I felt the lack of threat I was providing in an effort to help Zack get his frustrations out and move forward.
It is a learning process to be sure, but I am amazed at all the growth we have seen and continue to see.
Take care, be well, and be PATIENT!
Hugs,
B.J> Comments (7)
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