<Sigh>

We had one of ‘THOSSSSE’ talks a couple of weeks ago with Zack.  I didn’t think I’d be having it with my third grader.

Friday the 13^th was his last day for the summer – about a week before that I received a call at home from his teacher.  She wanted to let me know about an incident that occurred on the playground (it’s always on the playground… why is that?) that we needed to address immediately.  It seems that one of the quieter students, considered ‘reliable’ and one to rarely if ever come forward to report a concern about another student, came forth and told the yard duty that Zack was heard telling kids his brother was ‘gay’.

<sigh>

My first knee jerk reaction was to ask who said they’d overheard this and the teacher said she didn’t want to say but reiterated that it was a reliable source.  She then wanted to ensure I understood that, starting in 4^th grade, such things could be reported as sexual harassment.  I said to her ‘Crap’ (which was a bummer because the week before Zack got a think sheet for saying ‘crap’ when he missed a turn playing a card game – I told the teacher that was my fault as ‘crap’ is what I consider ‘G-rated’ profanity when sharing a home with youngsters) and then in a mild panic asked her how to approach this.  She was wonderful about calming my nerves and helping me formulate a way to approach Zack without making him feel embarrassed or like he was in trouble.

I got Rick alone and told him about everything and he became immediately agitated.  I encouraged him not to be upset but for us to view this as an opportunity to start educating our son about something like this.  He had to go pick Zack up from school and saw the teacher, who begged us to make sure Zack didn’t know that she knew.  That said, we waited until we got Alek to sleep and then gave Zack a little time up with just us.

We started out by telling him I’d gotten a call from the school today (that was true).  Then I told him what the call was about.  He was initially very defensive.  Rick and I both reassured him that he was not in trouble in any way with us but asked again if he’d said that about his brother.  He looked down and said ‘Yes’.

Rick and I looked at each other unsure of where to take this.  I decided to see what Zack thought ‘Gay’ meant since he was sure he knew.  It turned out that one of his school mates (who is a twin and the youngest of 6 kids) told him it meant you “peed on your hands and in the shower, and you played with yourself”.  I breathed, as did Rick, so we didn’t react.  Then Rick let him know that it wasn’t what being ‘Gay’ was all about.  I also saw an opportunity to lighten the mood a bit and asked Zack if Alek did that stuff in the shower.  He said ‘yes’ and I responded with a resounding ‘Ewwww – I CLEAN that shower!’ which made both he and Rick laugh out loud.  Then I asked Rick if boys do that stuff and he confirmed that some boys just do gross stuff and it is the passage and right of a boy.  They’re smelly, they’re gross, and I just have to suck it up and accept that I am alone in a haze of testosterone.

Anyway, next came the part of the talk that was a little awkward.  Rick didn’t want to explain what being ‘Gay’ meant in the modern world but I felt it was more important to be honest and up front about it.  So, I started by discussing my relationship with Rick from a gender point of view – that I was a woman and he a man.  We came together to be married and have a family.  But sometimes God makes people differently than that, and sometimes a woman might love and marry another woman instead of a man, or a man will love another man.  I assured Zack that was all it was about.

Then Rick boldly cried ‘AND IT CAN ALSO MEAN BEING REALLY, REALLY HAPPY AND JOYFUL TOO’.  I stifled a guffaw but allowed Rick the input – and then we talked about homonyms (words having multiple meanings i.e., left or left – also called homophones).  Anyway, I guess the ‘conversations’ are going to start.  From there we decided to tackle harassment and to that end I asked Zack if he understood what a bully was.  He said he did and we talked about how the bully makes his/her victim’s environment feel.  We talked about the use of fear to manipulate and control people.  Then I talked about the kind of harassment where people are uncomfortable because of the chosen topic – in this case talking about a person’s orientation (straight or gay).  Even though it isn’t a violent thing it still makes the victim’s environment uncomfortable.  I think he got it but I was SO glad that talk was behind us.  And Rick and I both felt like we did well (one of the very few times I might add).  Rick finished up the talk by really emphasizing the importance of Zack to know he can come to us for anything and we’ll discuss it.  We’d rather he come and talk to us about things then try and figure out stuff on his own or with misinformation from his peers.

All-in-all a very positive experience from all sides.  I’m just glad I can talk about it in the past tense.  But we know we can handle the tough stuff now.  We know there is more to come, but we’re a team and Rick and I can handle about anything.  What a relief.

Cheers,

B.J.