My son ate soap tonight.  He ate soap.  Not because he had a foul mouth and I washed his mouth out with it… nope.  My son ate soap so some nasty kid would like him.

I’m seeing a pattern in Zack.  He is 10 years old and finally gelling with a couple of very nice boys in his class.  It warms my heart and soul because when first we met, the thing that most stood out for me was the fact that he was so disconnected from all the other kids.  It concerned me so much that I wondered if he suffered from RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder – a condition common among children who lack nurturing from their earliest first weeks and months of life). RAD kids grow up without knowing how to attach properly, many becoming sociopaths destined to never settle or find their stride in society.  It takes tremendous counseling and specialized work to help these kids overcome RAD. 

Thankfully, that isn’t Zack.  He’s doing great.  But I see a pattern happening that, I hope, is just a phase.  While he’s getting on well with a couple of really great kids in his class (we had our first sleep over last weekend where my living room was converted into a gigantic fort and the boys ‘slept’ there for the night), I also have noticed another boy he calls his ‘friend’ but who keeps getting Zack into trouble.  If Zack does not do his bidding he says he won’t be Zack’s friend.  So, Zack ends up doing something he shouldn’t and gets caught for it.  When I ask why he did the deed he’ll say ‘Because John told me to…’ and I’d ask him if he knew it wasn’t the best choice – he says ‘yes’.  I ask why then does he do it and the response is always “because John won’t be my friend”.  I tell him that if John keeps getting him to do stuff he knows is wrong then John is no friend.  But I remember being a kid and that kind of talk is futile.

When Zack was in his orphanage, he told us about the older boy who hung him out a second story window because he didn’t bring back enough food. Yet other times he referred to this same boy as ‘his friend’.  He’d do whatever to gain acceptance from this kid.  While the pattern is less obvious now, I still see it.  Tonight Zack was invited to a dance party by one of his classmates.  When I came to pick him up there was a very gruff woman there who asked if Zack was my son.  I said ‘yes’ and she proceeded to tell me that he’d done something that really upset her.  When I asked about it she told me Zack had kicked her son in the ‘balls’ and threw a shoe at him.  Not being one to ever shy away from a situation I went straight to Zack.  I found out that her son was throwing rocks at Zack, locking him behind gates from which he could not get out, and was following him around and pestering/badgering/annoying him.  I first made sure Zack knew that any form of physical violence, no matter HOW annoying a person was acting, was unacceptable.  We got that very clear and then I saw Zack’s eyes start to tear up.  I asked what it was about and he said that this boy told him if he ate soap he wouldn’t tell me, so Zack wouldn’t get in more trouble.  I clarified that Zack actually ate soap.  YUK!  But I also saw this as an opportunity to let this woman know that her kid probably deserved what he got (OK, there’s no excuse for popping anyone in the family jewels but I’m allowed to smile a bit and side with Zack if only to myself).  I took Zack over to this woman where I told her what I had just said to him (about never ever placing hands – or feet – on anyone because they were annoying you), and that I wanted to get a sit down with this other kid (never happened but as I write I wish I’d made it happen) so he could apologize.  The mom informed me that she told him to apologize and he did – to which Zack spoke up and said he actually apologized before the mom got involved.  And then I let her know that her precious little angel was throwing rocks at mine and then made him eat soap so he wouldn’t tell me.

This seemed to surprise her a bit and she became agitated and wanted to have a word with her son.  Whether or not this happened, I don’t know.  I didn’t have a chance to stay and see.  But I have an agenda to work on with Zack about understanding what a true friend is.  He seems to be drawn to the kids that are bullies and wants to do whatever he can to make sure he is liked and accepted.  I see this as a terrible blow to one’s self esteem and feel a need to focus on his goodness – a big reason anyone would want to be his friend.

For instance, today I took the boys to the community pool.  I watched as they frolicked and played, and at one point, Zack had befriended a little kid who couldn’t have been more than 3 or 4 years old.  He was taking this little one around the pool on his back and it made him seem so gentle and grown up.  THAT is the essence of Zack.  He’s got a lot of layers but at his core he is such a dear, sweet, gentle soul.  I want to peel back those layers and show him to himself; his own inner beauty that is uniquely his.

As we left the party, he was agitated because he wanted to say good bye to this kid – his ‘friend’.  I had a very ‘other-worldly’ conversation then as I began asking him if, when he gets older, a kid offers him something to snort or smoke or drink in return for friendship, would he do it?  Then I wondered if this was a bit too heavy of a topic to start up with a 10-year-old and began to second guess myself.  Perhaps a little too much too soon for him, but the thought crossed my mind that if he was willing to go eat liquid soap out of a public restroom to make sure he stayed out of trouble and remained friends with a kid he’d just met, what would he do when he gets older and soap is the least of his worries?  To be frank, I’m experiencing a mild case of anxiety over the lack of control I will have over this situation.  I’ve gotta drive home the importance of standing on his own laurels now so when the time comes (and I’d be naïve to think it won’t) that he has a choice to choose the higher road and feel complete without the ‘conditional’ friendship, that he’ll make that choice over the compliant road to feel acceptance. I just didn’t think I’d have to start considering this now…

So, it seems that Zack didn’t get into nearly as much trouble as he thought he would.  He understands that you don’t kick people and cause physical harm to them – that there are other ways to work out a situation including simply walking away if they’ll let you.  It just takes practice I guess.  And I think he also saw that, while I needed to discuss the seriousness of his actions, he didn’t get yelled at, didn’t lose privileges, didn’t get any of the stuff he was anticipating, other than a firm talking-to about the opportunities he has to make much different choices.

I hope it sinks in.

I feel the grey hair tickling at the scalp waiting for my stress threshold to be reached so that one fine day, after enough aggravation and worry has coursed through me, I’ll awake to a head full of snowy white hair (prematurely of course).

Until the next time…

Beej – a.k.a. Ninja mom