Wow!  After 5 months away from the blog, two updates in a day!  One theme that has been ever present as this latest school year has begun has been the boys’ social experiences. 

First grade for Alek has been a challenge.  We think we’re finally beginning to see the effects his severe neglect had as he was not privy to the kinds of mental stimulation during crucial developmental years while in his orphanage.  While American babies and toddlers benefit from constant interactions from loving family and friends, nurturing them and teaching them; exposing them to learning tools that encourage language.  All of these experiences of which Alek was robbed are showing their impact.

Alek is a ‘cool kid’.  He oozes cool.  Kids love him and he is a prince on the playground.  Getting him into preschool two weeks after bringing him home helped him to learn in time how best to interact with his peers, and his peers like him very much – even older kids like him.  But in the classroom he’s starting to struggle.

In Kindergarten he was a little behind the curve but showed tremendous progress after the winter break.  Still behind, his teacher ensured us he was progressing the way all children do, he just started doing it a little later.  It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ he would catch up, just a matter of when.

Now in first grade when most of his peers are reading and writing with ease, he is still struggling to recognize his sight words and transmit what he is thinking into a written sentence.  He is getting it, but with great difficulty.  He is also challenged with math and forgets to check if an equation is asking for addition or subtraction.  Because his reading isn’t yet up to par, when he has word problems an additional struggle is presented. To add to his frustration, he insists comparing himself to the top performers in his class and has often called himself ‘stupid’ (which breaks my heart).  He also sees his brother doing well academically.  The boys go to a wonderful school.  The team there called us to an ‘SST’ meeting (Student Success Team).  It was quite overwhelming as we expected to see his teacher there and, perhaps, the Principal or Vice Principal, and maybe the school psychologist.  When we got there we were greeted by Alek’s teacher, the Principal, Vice Principal, a third grade teacher training to facilitate these meetings, the school psychologist, the program administrator, and a sixth grade teacher who was facilitating the meeting.  I felt emotion in my throat immediately.

The meeting lasted about 45 minutes and in that time we discussed his strengths, his weaknesses, concerns, other skills, and what we could all do as a team to help get him up to speed.  It filled me up to see all these people collected and interested in our son’s success.  Their concern and care touched me deeply.  We spoke about his background as they asked about gestation and infanthood which, of course, we had little information. It was emotional for us and for them interestingly.  I still choke up three years later when we are asked about their early years.  But we are confident he’ll start to pick it up.  It’s still early in the school year and we treat each of his success like a milestone.

On the other hand, while Zack is getting along well in school, he’s still a socially awkward kid.  He sees his brother getting on well with everyone and tries too hard to be funny, or liked, which usually turns out bad.  Both boys this fall have been playing soccer for our local AYSO organization. Alek has proven to be quite the little athlete and his confidence has soared (he’s a heck of a goalie!), while Zack’s has been tested.  He is playing with kids who have a lot of skills and have been playing for a long time.  He wants to come in and show them all what he knows, which makes him difficult to coach and teach.  His coach has been wonderful; a former pro soccer player for Mexico, he took Zack under his wing.  But when we were out at practice, Alek would get on the field and play with Zack’s team.  They all took to him calling him ‘little guy’.  Zack’s ego would get the best of him and he’d try and show up his brother, usually getting the opposite effect.  In short, Zack would get in the car in tears sometimes because his team mates teased him.  Rightfully so, as he was trying to be something he was not.  He has had to learn to be himself and honor what he does not know.  Zack has had to eat some humble pie at times, a lesson he continues to learn. 

That said we know that by remaining consistent we’ll get the lessons learned.  We are grateful to be such a powerful parenting team.  We have noticed that some parents do not discipline their kids as firmly in public because, from what I have heard, they might be embarrassed by what others might think of them.  In our way of thinking, kids will pick up on that and choose to act out publicly more often.  During the High Holy days this year, I had one such experience with Zack…

During these holidays the boys are out of school and at the temple service with us.  Our synagogue provides services for kids, splitting up age groups for toddlers, kids ages 5 – 8 and 9 – 12, and then runs a teen service as well.  Zack tends to gravitate toward the older.  Zack informed me he wasn’t going to the kid’s service but would be attending the teen service.  He said his friend Dillon was in the teen service so he’d be going too. I asked how old Dillon was.  Zack said ‘13’.  I told Zack that he wasn’t ‘ten-teen’ so he wouldn’t be attending the service.  He snapped back at me, in public, to the point where another adult commented to him that his tone was inappropriate toward me.  I looked back at him and he crossed his arms and said he wasn’t going.  I told him that was fine, that he cold sit with me in the adult service.  He said ‘no’ and around we went.  Finally I told him if he didn’t change his tone with me we’d be going to see his dad.  He continued to show disrespect so I grabbed him firmly by his upper arm (we had a small audience) and dragged him to where Rick was.  He yanked his arm from me and I grabbed it back, and so it went until we got around the corner.  Zack sat down and said ‘Why did you have treat me that way in front of everyone??’ to which I responded ‘If you’re going to speak to me that way in front of everyone that is how you will be treated’.  Needless to say it hasn’t happened since.  I sometimes amaze myself at the things I come up with.  But as much as I think Rick and I are teaching our kids, they continue to teach us as well.  Thank heavens for them!

So that should do it for now.  Will keep you posted – be sure to check the albums as I’ve uploaded a couple of new ones.  The other albums have been running almost since the beginning of this blog.  The boys have grown so much, I thought you’d like to see their progress.

Keep checking back.  I don’t know when I’ll have time to update.  I’m looking for a full time position as my kids are eating me out of house and home so time will become even more of a commodity very soon. Thanks for your support.  Keep your great comments coming.  Love hearing from you.

Cheers,

B.J.

I can hardly believe it has been five months since my last update!  I had made one attempt at summer’s end, but the site was giving me trouble and I never got back to it.  We had a busy summer with the boys – lots of swimming and outdoor stuff (when weather permitted – some days were just too darned hot!).  We also sent them to a day camp three days a week for the month of July.  While terribly expensive for us, it proved to be well worth every penny!  They had a BLAST!  It was reminiscent of the day camps I went to as a kid.  Rick never got to do that sort of stuff so didn’t understand the great outlet it provides for kids.  They got to ride horses, learn about archery, swim, climb rock walls, and create crafts (they still do lanyards – remember those?), ride go-carts, even experience a zip line.  It was GREAT for them!

We’d also had some growing pains as Zack has been more of a challenge to parent.  On the days the boys were home he was often bored.  With my work schedule I come home exhausted and don’t have much energy to play or keep them occupied.  It was tough.  One evening, with school looming on the horizon, we told the boys it was bed time.  Zack made a fuss and said he hated being a kid and wished he was an adult so he didn’t have to be told when to go to sleep.  We thought that was very telling.  He wants to be one of the adults. 

We’ve found our patience to be rather short with him even now, but we are also starting to see him understand that we take our job of teaching him very seriously, and that our love for him is solid.  We’ve had a lot of chats about respecting others, keeping his voice down, doing as we say even if he doesn’t want to.  It has just felt like one battle after another – exhausting.  Alek, on the other hand, has been observing what works and what doesn’t, and we’ve been amazed at how he’s picked up on the cues and sees the positive and negative responses Zack had experienced based on his behavior.

However as the school year has progressed new challenges have come up.  Zack was invited again to participate in ‘Homework club’ twice a week after school.  It is an opportunity for him to get is work done at school and come home with some free time. He is also learning to play the Clarinet as he has joined the school Orchestra this year.  He doesn’t practice as much as I would like but he’s learning his parts rather quickly.  I’ll stay on him, and he’s starting to appreciate the lessons in music.  However he has had two incidents during homework club that have created some commotion.  First, I should mention that he expressed exasperation at being put back into homework club (generally kids who could benefit from a smidge of additional support are put in there – while he is doing tremendously in school, his ELL status (English Language Learner) provides him the opportunity to participate in programs such as this – we jump at any opportunity presented) and said he did not want to do it.  So, during one afternoon he and another kid went to the bathroom together.  The kid was joking around in his stall and said he wasn’t really going to the bathroom.  Zack decided to check, stood up on the toilet in his own stall, and peered over the top to the other kid’s stall.  Naturally the principal walked in at precisely that moment.  As there is no tolerance for such things at the school Zack got in big trouble.  But some great stuff came out of it:

First, the kid understood it was harmless and told the principal as such. 

Second, Zack came clean as soon as he got in the car.

Finally, it opened a dialogue to discuss proper behavior, boundaries, and respect for the privacy of others.

He could have gotten expelled.  He was lucky.  The other incident occurred just last week when he decided to be a jokester and disrupted everyone in Homework Club by acting silly and misbehaving.  I think he thought he was being funny.  The instructor clearly did not agree, and this time he didn’t tell anyone.  I got a call from him the following day when his teacher was made aware of his antics.  Rick and I saw this as an opportunity.  We decided rather than take away his soccer (check the next entry about soccer) or computer or other privileges, we would make the punishment fit the crime.  With the fall dance just a couple of days away, we decided since he could not behave during the work time at school, he couldn’t enjoy the rewards of the fun times scheduled for school.  In addition to being benched for the week (no recess) he missed the dance.  That really hit home.  It’s all a learning process. 

But besides the discipline, Zack is growing in leaps and bounds.  We are seeing him understand little by little what it means to be compassionate to others, and how important it is to be responsible and accountable.  He is getting to be a big kid inside and out and we are proud of his progress and accomplishments.

Alek has since developed quite a mouth on him.  As this post is getting quite lengthy, I’ll talk about Alek in more detail in my next entry.

Thanks for checking back.  Sorry to have been away so long.  Life got real crazy there for a while.

Hope all is well,

B.J.

<Sigh>

We had one of ‘THOSSSSE’ talks a couple of weeks ago with Zack.  I didn’t think I’d be having it with my third grader.

Friday the 13^th was his last day for the summer – about a week before that I received a call at home from his teacher.  She wanted to let me know about an incident that occurred on the playground (it’s always on the playground… why is that?) that we needed to address immediately.  It seems that one of the quieter students, considered ‘reliable’ and one to rarely if ever come forward to report a concern about another student, came forth and told the yard duty that Zack was heard telling kids his brother was ‘gay’.

<sigh>

My first knee jerk reaction was to ask who said they’d overheard this and the teacher said she didn’t want to say but reiterated that it was a reliable source.  She then wanted to ensure I understood that, starting in 4^th grade, such things could be reported as sexual harassment.  I said to her ‘Crap’ (which was a bummer because the week before Zack got a think sheet for saying ‘crap’ when he missed a turn playing a card game – I told the teacher that was my fault as ‘crap’ is what I consider ‘G-rated’ profanity when sharing a home with youngsters) and then in a mild panic asked her how to approach this.  She was wonderful about calming my nerves and helping me formulate a way to approach Zack without making him feel embarrassed or like he was in trouble.

I got Rick alone and told him about everything and he became immediately agitated.  I encouraged him not to be upset but for us to view this as an opportunity to start educating our son about something like this.  He had to go pick Zack up from school and saw the teacher, who begged us to make sure Zack didn’t know that she knew.  That said, we waited until we got Alek to sleep and then gave Zack a little time up with just us.

We started out by telling him I’d gotten a call from the school today (that was true).  Then I told him what the call was about.  He was initially very defensive.  Rick and I both reassured him that he was not in trouble in any way with us but asked again if he’d said that about his brother.  He looked down and said ‘Yes’.

Rick and I looked at each other unsure of where to take this.  I decided to see what Zack thought ‘Gay’ meant since he was sure he knew.  It turned out that one of his school mates (who is a twin and the youngest of 6 kids) told him it meant you “peed on your hands and in the shower, and you played with yourself”.  I breathed, as did Rick, so we didn’t react.  Then Rick let him know that it wasn’t what being ‘Gay’ was all about.  I also saw an opportunity to lighten the mood a bit and asked Zack if Alek did that stuff in the shower.  He said ‘yes’ and I responded with a resounding ‘Ewwww – I CLEAN that shower!’ which made both he and Rick laugh out loud.  Then I asked Rick if boys do that stuff and he confirmed that some boys just do gross stuff and it is the passage and right of a boy.  They’re smelly, they’re gross, and I just have to suck it up and accept that I am alone in a haze of testosterone.

Anyway, next came the part of the talk that was a little awkward.  Rick didn’t want to explain what being ‘Gay’ meant in the modern world but I felt it was more important to be honest and up front about it.  So, I started by discussing my relationship with Rick from a gender point of view – that I was a woman and he a man.  We came together to be married and have a family.  But sometimes God makes people differently than that, and sometimes a woman might love and marry another woman instead of a man, or a man will love another man.  I assured Zack that was all it was about.

Then Rick boldly cried ‘AND IT CAN ALSO MEAN BEING REALLY, REALLY HAPPY AND JOYFUL TOO’.  I stifled a guffaw but allowed Rick the input – and then we talked about homonyms (words having multiple meanings i.e., left or left – also called homophones).  Anyway, I guess the ‘conversations’ are going to start.  From there we decided to tackle harassment and to that end I asked Zack if he understood what a bully was.  He said he did and we talked about how the bully makes his/her victim’s environment feel.  We talked about the use of fear to manipulate and control people.  Then I talked about the kind of harassment where people are uncomfortable because of the chosen topic – in this case talking about a person’s orientation (straight or gay).  Even though it isn’t a violent thing it still makes the victim’s environment uncomfortable.  I think he got it but I was SO glad that talk was behind us.  And Rick and I both felt like we did well (one of the very few times I might add).  Rick finished up the talk by really emphasizing the importance of Zack to know he can come to us for anything and we’ll discuss it.  We’d rather he come and talk to us about things then try and figure out stuff on his own or with misinformation from his peers.

All-in-all a very positive experience from all sides.  I’m just glad I can talk about it in the past tense.  But we know we can handle the tough stuff now.  We know there is more to come, but we’re a team and Rick and I can handle about anything.  What a relief.

Cheers,

B.J.

So, it's been a few months.  Truth be told my computer was quite sick and not working well.  I've actually made several attempts at an update but have been unsuccessful.  It got very frustrating to the point that even attempting to access this blog caused me stress - stress about letting down readers who look forward to updates and stress about the thought of spending an hour trying to write a paragraph only to lose it because of 'technical difficulties'.  I'm nearly 43 and my hair has yet to turn grey (and I don't color) and I was facing the possibility that my computer might turn me grey even before my kids!  Anyway, all in all 2008 has been fun thus far.  Lots of ups and downs, lessons, scraped faces (I'll get to that), hugs, kisses, and inevitably someone getting sent to his room for one reason or another...

So let's start with teeth...

Alek has lost another on the bottom and just last night discovered one of his two front teeth on the top is now loose as well!  I found myself being a little sad because as he starts getting those big teeth the last remanents of his 'little boy-ness' will go the way of the tooth fairy! It's amazing to see how both boys are growing and changing.  We are starting to expect more responsibility from them.  Zackary is stepping up to the challenge, although he has his moments, but Alek has days where he'd rather play.  When I tell him I don't feel like doing his laundry or cooking him dinner anymore he gets upset but is learning that, as a family, we all have responsibilities we must take on in order for the team to work.  And I don't want the boys to grow up thinking someone is going to do everything for them.  I want them to rely on their own steam.

Scrapes and scratches...

It amazes me how quickly kids heal.  Last week Rick was away on business.  The boys and I were hanging out and we decided to take the dogs for a walk.  The boys took their bike (Alek) and scooter (Zack) and away we went.  We live near the top of a hill and the boys took off down the hill at break neck speed.  Now, I have two basset hounds.  They couldn't care one bit about having a good run.  They just like to sniff and explore.  So it took little time for the boys to be out of my line of sight.  Next thing I hear is Alek screaming at the top of his lungs.  I TRIED to get the dogs to move but something was very smelly in the bushes and the need to run was overpowered by their sense of smell.  And when Basset Hounds don't want to move, well, they don't.  A moment later Zack was coming up the hill calmly but quickly.  At this point I was kind of dragging the dogs with me and making my way to the boys.  As soon as I saw Zack, who said 'Mom, Alek is hurt', I handed him the dogs and ran the rest of the way.  It looked worse than it was but there was no lack of drama.  Whoever said girls are more dramatic than boys haven't met mine. 

Alek was bloody from the tip of his nose to the bottom of his chin (thank GOD for helmets).  He flopped down on the grass when I got to him (a couple of neighborhood girls were there and helped walk him to me) and told me he needed to go to the hospital.  I lay with him and very calmly checked him out to make sure no bones were broken, that his nose was in one piece and that nothing had been bitten in his mouth.  Everything checked out and, aside from a nasty case of 'road rash', Alek was fine.  That's not to say he didn’t milk it relentlessly…

The following day Rick took the boys to school and Alek was fine... until he got out of the car.  Then he started to wince, but would look around to see who might be watching his performance.  We cracked up over that.  Now, just two weeks later, the entire injury is almost completely healed.  Simply amazing how quickly that happened!

Another incident happened earlier this year that really bothered me as it involved one of Zack's teachers. I can't recall if I wrote about this in an earlier post, or if it was one of the posts that I had attempted to post unsuccessfully.  If this is a repeat then, my apologies.  But this experience really set the bar for determining when to support discipline at the school level, and when to be a champion for your child.  This was a time for the latter.  I know that Zack can be a challenge.  He is bright and very justice driven, and he has a drive to be right.  Apparently there was a science program being piloted at his school and the kids had books on loan from the publisher. Before the next section could be received the first batch of books had to be returned to the publisher.  Apparently all the books got turned in but one... Zackary's.  But Zack truly misunderstood what was expected of him. When he got written up for the mis-step, and began telling me about what had happened, his eyes welled up and I could just feel his frustration.  He truly tried to do the right thing.  I decided in this case I needed to talk with the science teacher. She was not receptive initially, with quite a defensive stance.  I quickly assured her I was not intending to lambast her, nor would I defend my son for the sake of defending him. But in this case I was certain it was a simple misunderstanding on his part.  I found out she never bothered to read his file and had no idea he was an English language learner. We turned his punishment into an opportunity to learn about active listening and how to improve this skill. As a parent it was empowering to stand up for my child in a way that made no one wrong but rather created an opportunity for learning.

As far as discipline, we've had our share with the boys.  Much of their behaviors now, we believe, are very age appropriate and not different from other parents' experiences. While some stuff may be affected by past experiences, it is clear that the boys are very well adjusted and doing awesome.  In January Alek turned 6 and in March, Zack turned 10.  A big birthday, yes, but we had to pull the party.  Zack started getting very argumentative and defiant about doing his homework.  It was all about playing, watching T.V., and computer games.  We monitor closely his computer activities and bargain with him for time - if he reads for an hour, he gets to play for an hour - MAX!  While this is a different day and age, Rick and I feel very strongly about getting the boys outside to play rather than staying inside.  We have not yet purchased video games or DS play stations and believe in ensuring the boys get the best of both worlds - becoming proficient on the computer, but also moving their bodies. So we became aware that Zack wasn't being entirely forthcoming about the homework he was getting at school. We told him if it didn't change we'd pull the  party.  Well, Zack tested that threat and, believing we must stand by anything we say, we had to pull the party.  It made for some impressive fireworks at our house, but he started getting back on the ball so we decided to let him invite 3 friends to see a movie and have some ice cream.  He managed to negotiate a fourth and we had a great day with the boys.

I also think it was a good lesson.  Zack once again gets that we mean what we say, as well, he continues to see the value in doing his best at school - not only for the rewards he may receive at home, but for the rewards he gets just for doing a great job at school.  Most recently Zack and his class had a big project that was due last Friday, March 29.  The kids had various topics to choose from, and Zack chose Global Warming. The kids were given the month of March to work on their projects, culminating in their presentations last Friday, right before Spring Break.  Friday I got a call from Zack directly from his class.  He did so well that his teacher asked him to call me, and then I heard his entire class yell "It was awesome!"  THOSE are the kinds of rewards that will push Zackary to continue to give his very best.  He also was one of only three students out of 20 to receive a '4' - the top grade in the class.  It was so great to see this success. 

We also had his conference with his teacher this week and we spoke about how he has come so far in just 2 short years.    But one thing I am noticing is that Zack lacks the confidence to speak up for himself.  When that science book incident happened I asked him why he didn't say something to his teacher and his reply was "because I thought I'd get in more trouble".  For now we're focused on helping him understand where his responsibilities lie - in the home, at school, and with others. Zack's tendency is to try and herd everyone. He needs to make sure he's in line and understand he does not have to be in charge of his class mates (or his brother, or anyone else for that matter at the moment).  As he learns his place and understands how his actions affect those around him, we are seeing him transform into an even lovlier being.

Both boys are tremendous.  We love them with every cell of our beings.  We are in awe of what they have and continue to accomplish...

One of these days I'll get more pictures up.  What's there is now over a year old and they have changed so much.  I can't promise a time, but it is on my list of 'things to do'.

Thanks for checking back.  It has taken me the entire day to get this entry done but I'm glad to provide the updates. Keep checking.

Be well,

B.J.