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January 22 The Happiest Place on EarthFirst, so sorry to have caused concern for those who wrote. Yes it has been 3 months since my last post and, no, we did not sustain any damage from the fires. I will say I made two attempts in there to post and got knocked off my internet. We've since switched providers and at this posting things seem to be running MUCH better than they have, well, EVER! (OK - wait - I take that back - still a little slow).
That said, as a quick recap, the boys are doing great, running circles around me and Rick. It's been quite trying as Zackary continues to test, and Aleksandr LEARNS how to test by watching his brother. Zack is the master. Anyway, holiday recap: My parents and brother and sis-in-law came in for Thanks Giving in November. Needless to say My Sister-in-Law had a ball indulging my boys - buying them Razor scooters and lots of books and games. I got a little jumpy at first but she kind of let me have it - she was getting immense joy in doing this for the boys and I had to look in my heart, step back, and let her have this joy. Yeah, we'd have a couple of little monsters to deal with, but what kid doesn't always cherish those moments when some special family member just bathes them in 'stuff'. We did however learn a new term that my sister-in-law lovingly introduced to Zack: She calls it 'More Disease'. That's when you keep giving to a child and they are never satisfied - they want MORE... Zack suffers from it so we have actually had a lot of fun reminding him when his More Disease flares up. It's actually a great lesson for him and a benchmark or reminder when he gets out of hand.
For Hanukah we were pretty mellow, and equally so for New Years. But our great joy came on January 6 of this year.
We finally got to take our boys to Disneyland for the very first time. It was the last day DL would be dressed for the holidays, and several key attractions were going to be shut down for maintenance so it was our best chance at a great experience with the kids. We were initially concerned because it was supposed to rain that day, but we were also told that rainy days are usually the best at DL because there are generally no lines. Turned out to be a GREAT plan because we did not wait in ANY line for more than 20 minutes (and that includes the ‘Finding Nemo Submarine ride’ which has been known to sport 3 hour lines!)
Anyway, being that I have this squishy center, when we got to the ticket booth, it all hit me – a lifelong dream of taking MY CHILDREN to Disneyland was a reality. I was here. With them. And I started to cry.
I’m such a dork.
Anyway, we told them it was the boys’ first visit to DL and they each got a big button to wear that said so. Then we said it was Alek’s b-day this month so he got a special button that said ‘Happy Birthday Alek’. We mentioned that Zack’s was coming up in March and we’d love to do this for both the boys but the lady said we should just come back (sure – I have a spare $244 laying round JUST TO GET INTO THE PARK!) so we humored her. She advised us to go to City Hall where a special phone message would be waiting for Alek. Cool. We walked over to city hall, saw Goofy out front, then went in. Alek was a little uneasy at first to listen to the phone so I did it, then Zack listened, and then Alek was ready to hear the birthday message. While he was listening, one of the people behind the counter asked if Zack was, well, Zack. He said ‘yes’ and she presented an envelope that was ‘addressed’ to ‘Alek and Zack’. We opened the envelope and inside were two autographed pictures of Woody and Buzz Light Year for each of the boys – AND a happy birthday Zack button for Zack.
I started to blubber again. Does anyone reading this blog know the burden of going through life with such a squishy center? Honestly!
Ya gotta love Disney magic!!
Anyway that was at 8 in the morning and we didn’t leave until 9:30 that night. The rain didn’t start until about 5:30 so we got to do lots of things and we just had FUN! What an awesome experience. I think the highlight was going through the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which passes by one of the restaurants in DL where you can actually see people having lunch or dinner. Alek’s eyes got really big and he pointed to the people and exclaimed to us “Mommy! Daddy! Are those REAL PEOPLE???” Rick and I just busted a gut. It was really interesting to watch the differences in the boys – Zack was all about controlling the map and being in charge of where we went. Alek was wide eyed with wonder. It was a hoot and I can’t wait to take them back again!
Thanks to everyone who checks in to catch up with our family. I have a year’s worth of pictures to update on the site, but it’s 1:15 am pacific time and I’m pooped (work does go on – just finished a conference call with Vienna – it’s morning there) to say the very least. Sunday was Aleksandr’s 6th birthday and we had an impromptu ice cream party today for him so I’m more than ready to retire for the evening! I still need to make lunches in the morning! <YAWN>
Take care,
B.J. October 23 Fighting Fire with FireIn case anyone has heard, it has been a harrowing few days here in Southern California. Fires abounded and we were ready to evacuate yesterday. Today, however, we're still in our home and it looks as though the fires in our area are well under control. The winds have helped considerably in terms of blowing the flames in a satisfactory direction.
The last time we were faced with fires like this was in 2003. We were in Arizona visiting family and heard our little town mentioned on the news - in ARIZONA. The fires had traveled 30 miles east to us and threatened our home. All was well and the firefighters were amazing - true heros - but the difference then was that we weren't there for the build up ... and we didn't have the boys.
Being in a tense situation like that with children really brings out the best in us I think. Rick and I were remarkably calm throughout the ordeal yesterday and the kids did really well. Rick involved them by asking them to collect pictures in the house and to get themselves packed in case we had to leave. They were great about it. I got the boys' Russian papers together and got the computers together. We kept the cars packed up over night, but will likely be unpacking everything today. On the upside it forced us to clean off our desks.
Timing was perfect as Aleksandr had his fire safety week at school only two weeks ago. He kept walking around and telling us that if the fire comes close we have to get down on the ground or we'll choke. He also said if the door feels hot we have to run away, and he was generally very informative and happy to tell everyone who would listen about fires. At one point we were watching the news and the fireman who was there to speak to his class was being interviewed. Alek looked at him and said "HEY! I KNOW HIM!!" He was very excited.
So, all is well and we're hearing that the fires are well under control. We are fortunate to live in an area that was well planned in terms of fires. They are reporting a 40% containment which is very good - and they just announced the fire was started by a construction crew. GREAT. That's a big 'OOOPS'. Anyway, send prayers out to the folks in the San Diego area as their fires are ravaging homes and it's quite a mess down there. We are very fortunate and grateful that the worst of things appear to be behind us. The boys are home for a second day from school, and we're all together and safe.
Have a wonderful week and I'll try to write more later. Halloween is upon us and the boys are looking forward to the tradition.
Be well,
B.J. October 03 Truth and ConsequenceCan you stand it? Two posts in the SAME MONTH! Actually, I'm avoiding an article I need to write. <sigh>
... I so appreciate the posts. I've missed hearing from you all!
Just a follow up to the theft thing - we decided after much thought and conferring with our life coach/counselor, that even though Zack felt no TV for a week was a good punishment (he came up with that and we accepted it, telling him we would get back with him about an appropriate punishment for stealing), that he would be unable to participate in his school's fundraiser. Rather than take away what could be done for the school, and since Aleksandr is also doing this fundraiser, we're putting everything on Alek's account. We've decided that Zack needs to be removed from anything monetary. No allowance for a while, and nothing to do with raising money.
Back in September we celebrated the High Holy days (Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur). They provided a kid's service and one of their projects was a 'Tsedakah' box. Tsedakah is Hebrew for 'Charity' and is a big theme in Judaism, particularly during this time of year (our Temple collects all sorts of canned goods and donates them to the local food pantry for those in need). Anyway Zack was able to get some loose change for Tsedakah and decided his 'charity' was himself. He's very money oriented these days, and not in a giving way - more like a taking way. But talking with other parents of 9-year-olds I think this is a learning thing too - not so uncommon. There could be some latent hoarding behavior from his previous life, but I'm not so convinced much of that is still there. He's just 9. Oh, and he's a know-it-all 9. Yeah. That's fun.
But he's taking it well. He cried and was really upset initially, but if he learns that he may not steal from ANYONE then it's all worth it - the pouting, the crying, the tantrums - will all be for a greater good.
Today I went to his school (it was my day to work in Aleksandr's class)and stopped by the cafeteriato speak with the woman who runs it. There is a "red cart" there where kids can buy snack items. Part of taking away Zack's privileges includes not beling able to buy from the red cart - in fact, he told us that was his reason for stealing change - so he could buy stuff from the red cart.
But we're being really careful to ensure the punishment fits the crime. I think one of the biggest errors some parents make is trying to take away everything because it makes us feel better to take away from a child who is being ungrateful. But what does the child learn if a parent is only acting in the interest of making himself/herself feel better? It's a fine line to walk so Rick and I are working hard to ensure we're being consistent and making discipline decisions that that fit the crime...
For now, that means Zack has lost all control of anything having to do with money, with raising it or being rewarded in any way by it. Even going to get a birthday gift for a friend's party - we pick it out - not Zack. We'll choose his Halloween costume this year too. It's so important that we nip this behavior in the bud. What is amazing is that he seems to be getting it. Whenever something comes up and we remove a privilege the upset is short lived. If he complains, we need only ask him if he knows why he's being deprived and he stops for a sec, looks down, then says 'yes'. He's actually quite good natured about it considering. I think he really is getting it. Everything else is the same - we play, we laugh, we work on homework together, we read... I'm working really hard to ensure my attitude with him is the same, and that I continue hugging him (which he now lets me do at will) and letting him know I love him.
Rick and I have both done some major soul searching in this area and it has helped us with our patience and in keeping our calm. We realize the getting upset part tends to soothe us more than anything, but it wasn't doing the boys any good. Remaining calm has been a nice change and the boys have shown a change as well. We show them respect, and the'll start understanding its importance and will show it back to us, and others. All the same, kids will be kids and we get that. We're understanding more and more that 5 and 9 year old boys will be 5 and 9 year old boys. We don't want to overreact and we look forward to having adventures with the boys.
We will likely be going to our local aquarium in the coming weeks. We look forward to that nad other fun outings as a family. We'll keep you posted.
Do keep checking back!
Cheers,
B.J. September 30 To tell the truth...The truth. That has become a big theme in our household. Telling the truth.
We've, as you can imagine, been SO busy with the kiddos and work. Rick and I are both working 2-3 jobs a piece at the moment - Rick with his scouting business and his side work designing closets and organizer spaces, and me with my technical writing and work as a Barista for Starbucks (in addition to some other side writing I've been doing), we're running like hamsters on a wheel! With school in full swing it gives us time in the morning to get some things done, but time is still a commodity. Gratefully, we manage to pull things together each month.
Back in mid August my benefits came through from Starbucks. With two kiddos it has been a HUGE blessing - especially considering the boys needed a dental check up, which could have set me back about $250 without insurance. Needless to say, when the bill came for $8 I was ready to pour another Latte! Those bennies have been an absolute life saver, not ONLY for the kids medical expenses, but for my own and Rick's. (Shameless plug: Support your neighborhood Starbucks! My personal favorite is an iced Venti Passion Tea with 8 pumps of melon flavoring. Seasonally I would recommend the Pumpkin Spice latte - hot or iced it's yummy - try it with a pump of Cinnamon Dolce flavoring too!)
Suffice it to say, I'd finally gotton my mammogram at the beginning of August, and then two days later we had a mini earthquake (the boys' first - Alek slept through the whole thing bue Zack was quite freaked out from the top bunk). With Zackary screaming in fear we both flew out of bed to get to him and reassure his safety... in the middle of the night my navigation wasn't spot on and I ran, boob first, into (I think) a dining room chair. The result was a rather impressive hematoma which did not manifest itself until two days later when the entire outer surface of my boob had a bruise a little bigger than the back of my hand (interestingly in the shape of the contenent of Africa when you looked in the mirror - complete with different colors to distinguish the various geographic surfaces). Along with the bruise came an equally impressive lump that, had I not had the means to be mammo-ed, well let's just say it could have been cause for a great deal of unnecessary stress. (as an aside, a day after the bruise surfaced, we were at a friend's house who had a trampoline. Zack asked if I would jump with him. I don't need to tell you that jumping on a trampoline with a bruised... well, you get the idea - gravity and all... so I said, as delicately as I could that I was not in the condition to jump on a trampoline. When Zack's friend asked why his mom (me) would not jump on the trampoline, without missing a beat Zack replied annoyed "Oh, she hurt her boob..." - ah from the mouths of babes).
Once again, so grateful am I for the benefits bestowed to even the part time partners of Starbucks. God bless that company and all they do to take care of their employees.
So, with that, no further damage from the earthquake thankfully. School has begun and Aleksandr is pretty on top of writing his name. It has been amazing over the last month to see his progress. He is still in speech at the school but is making tremendous progress. His language improves each day and he is making friends. According to his wonderful teacher, he has his own little 'entourage' and they all look out for one another. He makes us laugh a great deal. But along with this growth and development comes greater testing and more talking back. Discipline is becoming a little more commonplace these days but it is all in an attempt to make sure the boys understand their boundaries. Some of that understanding still is a work in progress, but our consistency will pay off...
Zack got his STAR test scores back (A California state standardized test for school goers) and what was amazing to us was that he scored as well as he did. We reminded ourselves that he had only be here a year when he took that test. It was broken down to writing and language skills, and Math skills. The school system wants to see kids in the 'Proficient or Advanced' areas, but are satisfied with 'Basic'. That said, Zack scored at the high end of Basic in language and writing, and a little past the mid-mark for Math. And that after only being here for a year. Quite an achievement to say the very least! We are very proud of him.
And that brings us to yesterday. Zackary and Alek keep track of who has what birthday party (which really drives me batty), and yesterday was no exception. Zack has very few orphan behaviors he still exhibits, but one reared its nasty little head yesterday.
We're working very hard to instill in the boys a sense of responsibility and pride in their things. To that end we don't just go out and buy them something new when they break a toy by playing with it inappropriatly, or by just not taking care of it. Yet they want and want (as children do). One of many things we have NOT broken down and purchased as of yet is a video game set. First, all Zack would do is play with it, and second, we don't believe they've earned it yet. So, Zack had a bowling party yesterday for a school friend. He asked if he could bring a few dollars to play video games. I said 'no' because he was there to play with his friend and bowl, not go off and play video games. He got upset but accepted the decision.
As we were readying to leave yesterday though, I popped back into my room to get my shoes, and there stood Zack - Dad's wallet in one hand, dollar bill in the other. BUSTED!
He first told me he was bringing the dollar to his dad (mind you dad wasn't dressed to put a dollar anywhere). I looked at him thinking 'You must really think I'm empty headed...' but then he went and told his dad that he'd taken a dollar. We told him all he had to do was ask, but that we'd already given him his answer.
So, as we finally ready ourselves to go, I asked Zack to empty his pockets as he was not to have any money on him and we had a trust issue now. He said no so I told him I'd check his pockets for him...
He rolled his eyes and said slowly "Ooooo, Kaaayyyyy" ...
...and proceeded to pull another dollar out of his pocket. Off to daddy we went for yet another confession. I was livid. Rick and I had looked at each other the first time and admitted we didn't know what to do... then this. Then Rick mentions that his quarters have been dwindling... at first Zack swears up and down that he had nothing to do with it. I asked him to look me in the eye and say that and, 'sho-nuff' he admitted to taking Rick's quarters. At that point I said 'your trust is pretty much in the toilet now bud, you're getting searched'. He started to protest but I was too quick and I found...
YUP!
...A THIRD DOLLAR IN HIS @#$*^ pocket!
After lots of talking Rick and I decided to let him go to his party. Once you collect yourself, understand that had we kept him home he'd have been focused on how angry he was at us for keeping him home from the party, not the reason why. However, after the party I made a stop at the Sheriff's station. Rick and I shared with Zack that when grown ups steal they go to jail. Our goal as parents is to instill in our kiddos an understanding of respect not only for their things, but for others, as well as for the law. Probably one of the most difficult lessons to teach, I really wanted Zack to get the seriousness of his choice to take something, knowing full well it was wrong, but allowing his impulse to have the better of him. I was hoping he'd see a jail or holding cell, but the deputy was kind enough to have a real hear-to-heart with Zack about the importance of the law.
Today was a better day - and we look forward to even more better days. I know Zackary is being 9. I know he has more street smart than most adults. But I also know Zack a beautiful boy with a kind heart and a shining soul. Each day I see a glimpse of that soul and it lingers just a bit longer than the day before. Every day I rise, thankful on some level for the richness these boys bring to our lives. Some days we get frustrated, other days we might raise our voices, but the joy of watching these kids grow... there just aren't words...
Keep checking back. I'm not done yet!
Be well,
B.J.
August 16 Still on the radar...First, WOW... site has changed in the past two months.
Now, I'll say that this is a quickie post because I'm a single mom this week and just don't have time (or inclination) to catch you all up. It's been a good summer, it went VERY fast, and yesterday was the first day of school already (Alek is now officially a Kindergartener).
I honestly thought I had posted in June and was horrified to see that both June and July got away from me. How the HECK did THAT happen?? I did attempt to update last week and, after about an hour of writing and editing, the site became terribly slow and Internet Explorer kind of blew up and I lost the whole thing before I could post or save it. I was exhasperated and just walked away.
So, just checking in. No worries; just extraordinarily busy and tired with work and boys. Boys. Everywhere there are boys...
I'll write more later. Cheers to all... stay cool!
B.  May 23 Back from a breather...First, my apologies to those of you who have been concerned about my 'MIA' status these last couple of months. Rest assured it was nothing more than pure exhaustion, coupled with me taking a job at Starbucks, learning those ropes, readjusting our routine a bit to accommodate the new job, and Rick thick in the throws of his coaching season for track.
Second, there are lots of fun stories to share, but I'll keep it to one, after I fill you in about the job I took. Yes, I am officially a Starbucks Barista. It came to me after hearing one of the other preschool moms at Alek's school talk about getting a job there part time for the benefits. Who knew Starbucks offers full bennies to PART TIME employees?! So, after three months and about $85 a month, I'll have secured PPO medical, dental, and vision coverage for my family, along with a 401K, a stock investment program, a pound of coffee or box of tea every week, nice discount in the stores when I don't work, and most important, peace of mind. Rick and I have not had coverage in about 2 years and we've just been squeaking by with the cost of insurance for the boys. Insurance costs are insane and, after their surgeries last December my supposed great medical plan turned out to be mediocre at best - still paying the medical bills off of that one. The job is really quite fun, but no cake walk. That's tough work! Learning the proper codes to write on the cups alone is like learning a new language, and forget about creating the drinks! What a feat it has been to get up to speed. Oh, and I work the opening shift, rising at Oh-dark-hundred and getting a store ready for a 4:30 am opening. But I'm home by 9 generally - or at least in time to get Alek to school. Rick now gets the kids going in the morning and off to school. It has been an adjustment by all, but the boys love the benefits (Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino in particular) as well as seeing their mom work the register at the espresso bar. The crew I work with is top notch and everyone has been great. They are all a lot younger than I am, but it's a lot of fun.
Now, as for the boys, it has been a rough few weeks as Rick's track season has come to a close. He had a couple of talented kids go all the way to State which meant the past three weekends he was out of town. It was very apparent the toll that took on the boys, which I think made it easier for Rick to bid farewell to the coaching position. It was tough to let it go initially - 12 years of history - and it didn't end as splendidly as he would have liked - but he is definitely ready to move on. So am I, as it's really hard on me and the kids when he's gone like that. Overall, the boys are doing really well. We've waxed and waned on behavior issues, and most recently Zack got written up for getting caught lying at school. He was just playing around, but he got caught red handed by the yard duty in a lie. As trust is a critical lesson we've been working on, when I got the message that his teacher had called I knew something was up. Now, mind you he'd managed to squeak out a Starbucks treat and some computer time for seemingly good behavior, so I turned to him and asked him how his day was at school...
"WHY?!" he said a little too defensively.
I next asked him if something happened that day at school.
"WHAT?!" he responded as his eyes fell quickly to the floor. At this point I knew something was up. I asked him if he deserved the treats he'd already received today. Still holding his gaze to the floor he muttered 'nooooo...'
I told him I was giving him an opportunity to tell me what happened that day at school before I returned his teacher's call. He pretty much fessed up to everything, then added that he lied to the yard duty because he was afraid he'd get in big trouble. I explained that while he'd be in trouble either way, had he come clean from the get go, he probably would not have been written up at school, and probably would not have lost his swim date the following Saturday. He broke his gaze with the floor and looked at me with eyes the size of saucers. I didn't say anything and then he burst into tears. The thing that totally amazed me was how completely calm and unthreatening I was handling this. I asked him if he thought he deserved to go to a swim date and he said tearfully 'no'. I explained that I understood that he was afraid to get into trouble, but had he been upfront and not gotten the treats he'd had today, had he explained what had happened, we could have worked it out together, perhaps had a less drastic consequence, and salvaged his swim date. He understood and I think it was a great opportunity to have a valuable conversation about this very important issue. Trust has been a little shaken, but it gave me an opportunity to confront the issue with him in a non-threatening way, let him know it was not OK, but that his dad and I were always there for him - through good decisions and not-so-good decisions - and that the punishment is more conscience-related and not physical - all he may have known in his prior life. It is probably the most valuable lesson, in my opinion, that a child can learn. Those who strike their kids don't teach them anything about honor, character, or integrity. What a tremendous opportunity we gained together with this circumstance.
Finally, the best story with Alek happened in mid-april during a very impressive wind storm. Alek has been asking about God a lot lately which has given us some fun material. My most favorite conversation took place while waiting in the valet line to pick up Zack. The wind was blowing so forcefully that my van shuddered against the strong gusts. Alek innocently asked me what that was. I told him it was the wind. He asked if God made the wind, and I told him I thought so. He asked if we could see God. I told him we see God everywhere and in the sky, the trees, the flowers, in others, etc. He asked if I had ever seen God and I told him not like I see him. Then he said he'd seen God. I asked where and he said when he was in Russia at the orphanage.
That gave me pause. We were quiet for a moment. Then he asked me if I had ever spoken to God. I told him I spoke to him quite a bit and that prayers were one way to talk to God. He asked if I had ever heard God talk back and I said not perhaps in the way he and I were talking. I asked him if he knew that feeling inside when he was doing something he knew was wrong. He said 'yes', and I told him that was God telling him so.
Alek was quiet for another moment after that. Then he asked me if God had a telephone. I told him God didn't really need a telephone. Then he asked me if I knew what His phone number was. I told him 'no' and he very promptly informed me that he in fact knew what God's phone number was. I asked what it was and Alek, without missing a beat , said "1-1-1, 2-2-2!" Now, it would help to know that the children in Alek's pre-school class learn their numbers by repetition - they learn 111, 222, 333, 444, and so on... just a moment later my phone rang and Alek asked "Mom! Is that God???"
So, as the school year comes to a close, we're working on securing camp plans for the boys. Not sure how it's going to work, but we're working on it and I know it's going to come together.
So, I'm very sorry to have worried everyone so, and hope that I can continue to blog at LEAST once each month, but I'll try to do more. You all have been so great and your support means a great deal. I feel so blessed and lucky to have the opportunity to raise these great boys. And it's my extreme pleasure to share it with all of you.
Cheers to all,
B.J. March 01 One step forward, two steps back...... that title sums up how I've been feeling lately. Well, first I'd like to say thanks to all the folks who have posted during my cyber-absence in February. I had intended to publish at least once but never quite made it. First month I've missed since July, 2005! Unbelievable how time gets away from you!
One of my commenters mentioned I was featured again... do you know I had NO IDEA??? I need to check that out, but I'm thrilled to have been selected again. While I haven't found evidence of that (I feel terribly out of the loop) I did see my space listed in the MSN What's Your Story Hall of Fame which is pretty cool! Much appreciated (and humbling).
So how have things been going? Well they've seemed a little bumpy lately. It is difficult to ascertain what behavior is attributed to their ages and what is attributed to any residual baggage they may have brought over with them a long 18 months ago. They clearly need LOTS of attention and at times I just want to close the office door and be left alone. But the real challenge has been the testing - the testing of who is in charge. Rick and I have no qualms about standing in our parenthood and constantly reminding the boys who is boss, but we are constantly being challenged by them - more so by Zack - but Alek is a quick study and he's catching on fast. I hear a lot that it's 'normal' and that kids will test. That's all well and good, but my 'fight or flight' instincts have been in full play; 'fight' is pooped out and 'flight' has felt like the best alternative this past week (mix in a few monthly hormones and women reading this everywhere will go 'Ahhh-haaa... yup. Got it'). What truly broke my heart however was when, during a recently rare moment when Aleksandr and I were having a tickle fest, Alek had to stop and yell to Zack "Mom is playing with me!" It had been that bumpy around here that he had to announce it as if he were going to Disney Land.
So, I brought the boys together and asked them if they felt like I had been mad and hollering a lot lately. They both said 'yes'. I asked them why they thought that was and Zack responded without hesitation; "Because we don't listen to you."
Brilliant boy.
In fact, Rick and I have been at a loss for their recent lack of respect and reverence (if you will). We've had to step up our game and it has been tough. Give a kid an inch and they'll take a yard. Boy, do I get that now! It seems anything we say meets with an argument or questioning of some sort. Just this evening I was reviewing Zack's homework for the week and I noted he spelled the word 'very' incorrectly (with an extra 'r'). When I corrected it he questioned it. I told him the correct spelling again and AGAIN he questioned me. That's just one example, but you get the point. Lately I've just been tapped out of patience. Whenever we try to teach them anything lately we're met with arguments and questioning. It is probably a kid thing but I personally have never experienced or seen anytyhing like it in my life. I also tried to remember if I had done something similar as a kid and I honestly don't remember (although Rick doesn't remember his mother yelling at him as a kid and she says that was all she ever did).
The brotherly teasing has also reached a fever pitch so I'm at a bit of a loss there. We've decided to simply let them tease one another. They know the rules and what we think of it, but if they are going to make each other miserable, so be it. I'm also learning to let them figure out some of life's lessons on their own without my assistance. Sometimes I think that is the only way to do it... the only way they will learn. So I'm working on breathing and looking into my heart before opening a mouth to the boys. One day at a time I guess...
On the upside, Saturday is Zack's final basketball game and his team has only lost one game all season, only tied one, and won each game thus far. Zack has not had an opportunity to shoot and make baskets, but he is becoming a heck of a guard. His offensive game is impressive and we're really proud of him. I think it has been a good experience for him and we'll see what he decides to do next.
Beyond not a whole lot has been happening besides school and homework. I've got to complete Aleksandr's packet for kindergarten which is amazing to believe! Time sure has flown! Zack's birthday party comes up in a couple of weeks so we're really looking forward to that, hoping he has a great time! I've still got to get some time together to post new pictures. This post has taken me the better part of today to write so I'm not sure when the next opportunity will be. I'm anxious for things to start simmering down though so I can enjoy being a mom a little more. I've been told by other moms that this happens and it is cyclical.
On that note, I'm off for a good night's sleep. Hope everyone stays warm, dry, and happy.
Cheers,
B.J. January 29 Goin' with the Flow...So I didn't completely fall off the face of the blogging Earth... well perhaps nearly. Frankly I've been so busy with the boys and work and schedules that, by the time it's quiet enough to collect my thoughts to think, I've just been too pooped to actually sit here and do it.
Holidays were a blast, but BOY was I glad to get the kiddos back in school and back on a routine. Whew! We've also begun Basketball season with Zackary, which has been an interesting lesson in teamwork for him. It's something he's getting, but something that still needs work. His first game he cried (even though the game ended in a tie) because no one would pass the ball to him so he could make a basket. He was only interested in the game if he was in it. He caused a couple of the other team meplayers to foul giving his team the advantage, but that didn't seem to matter. He wants to be the hero after all. But what 8-year-old doesn't?
The next game was a little better. His rather brilliant coach saw that Zack needed a purpose, so whenever it was time for the ball to be put in from the side line, that became Zack's job. He still wasn't into the game at all for the team's sake unless he was playing, but at least he felt his purpose. They won that game by a landslide. He seemed kind of neutral, but not nearly as heartbroken after the first game.
Last weekend he actually seemed to be into the game. His team was losing pretty badly for most of it, until the end when they managed to make the winning basket with seconds to spare in the 5th quarter (I know, there are only 4 quarters, but they play five and I don't know what else to call it - just humor... I'm very tired but trying to get through a blog before the end of the month), which made for exciting jr. league basketball! I was thrilled to see Zack on the side lines jumping up and down as his team pulled it out in the end. Really great indeed!
With five games left in the season it's great to see the progress he has made. This has been really great for him. And Alek has been along for the ride as he's been to every practice and game thus far. What is so interesting is to see how Alek is picking up some of the skills by playing around and watching his brother practice. He's becoming one heck of a dribbler - even managing to dribble backwards, which is amazing for a five-year-old (oh, yes, Alek turned five on January 20... more on that in a moment).
Another improvement we've seen in Alek is his language. He's still struggling a bit with the receptive factor, but he's improving weekly. When we returned from the long winter break to his speech classes, the teacher was amazed at how much better his language was. Still, his understanding of what is being said to him is a little way off. In addition, we just had his parent/teacher conference. He's doing so well, but still is struggling on number and letter recognition. Rick and I are starting to work heavily with him at home as we want him to be ready for kindergarten. We are not opposed to holding him back, but he would be so disappointed if he did not get to go to Zack's school next year. We're going to do all that we can for him, and a lot can happen in 8 months, but we want to be sure he's ready as he has had a lot of catching up to do. Many of the kids in his class already know their letters and numbers and some can write their names already. But I don't want to compare him to the others because he has to come along in his own time. It's just tough some times to see how far along some of the others are. I want this to be easier for him but I know it will only take time. Zack is trying to help him at home as well, but he has the patience of a flea and starts hollering at Alek. I've had to stop him from helping because I don't want this to become a chore for Alek. I want to make it fun for him. Rick is great at that, and I'm trying to stay consistent with Rick's work.
As for his birthday, we did the Chuck E. Cheese party for Alek this year. He was thrilled to have a party and thrilled to get presents and be king for a day. I have to say I'm glad we didn't do it last year as it would have been too much. He was still overwhelmed this year but he and his friends had a blast. He's already talking about next year...<sigh>
I know I've been lame about posting pictures but, truly, it has been difficult to get some time where I wasn't so bleary eyed I could write. I've been working more and helping a dear friend get a business off the ground - doing PR and other work for her writing articles that have been getting published, which has been great, and now she's going to be working on a radio show that she wants me to write for her - so that's something new I need to work with. It's all very exciting and happening quickly, but I only see her as a huge success...
So, onward and upward as they say. I hope not to be absent quite so long from the blogging world at my next post, but I'm not making promises. The boys are doing wonderfully. They are both healed from their surgeries and making great progress in school. They are having many fewer difficult days, which is a relief for me, and are listening more, fighting less, and respecting our role as their parents. It's not perfect every day, but I'm noticing more of the good and less of the struggle.
Thanks for all the great comments. I read them all and appreciate them so much.
Cheers to everyone! Here's to a grand 2007.
Hugs to all,
B.J. December 27 Holiday fun, surgical frenzy...Sorry to have been out of touch for so long. I simply have not FELT like blogging lately. There isn't anything huge to report (well, one huge thing) and we've been enjoying the holidays with the boys. They got lots of cool stuff this year, including a 'habitrail for kids' - comes with a tent, a teepee, and two nylon tubes to connect them. It's been great fun for the boys. Zack also got a 'Darth Tater' Mr. Potato head toy which includes parts for R2-D2, 'Spud' trooper, and, of course, Darth Tater - or 'Dark' Tater as Alek calls it. Finally their cool Uncle Scott got them each a radio controlled air plane that we all had fun with yesterday. Gonna take some practice but it was loads of fun!
Zack got to see the Nut Cracker at school (or 'nut crapper' as Alek calls it) and has been talking about it since. He didn't get to see all of it and wants to finish the story. Overall he is doing fantastic in school. We had our first parent/teacher conference and it was amazing to see the change from last year. He's just doing great and we couldn't be prouder of his progress.
Aleksandr has been making good progress with his speech. He is still a little tough to understand here and there but his expressive language is getting better and better. By this time next year I bet he'll have a huge handle on his ability to communicate and understand.
Both boys are growing in leaps and bounds and they are playing (and fighting) as brothers do. But most recently we've had the opportunity to gel even more as a family. On Dec. 20, both boys had surgery for circumcision. While it is a Jewish ritual generally done to a baby boy who is 8 days old (the ritual says 8 days old, or older), on older children it is a surgical procedure requiring general anesthesia. I wasn't sure what to expect and, having learned that I get a little squirly when I don't have any idea what to expect, you can imagine my state of mind. But, as it turns out, their surgeries became much more than a matter of Jewish ritual or common place American cultural practice. It was medically necessary. The boys' surgeon (who also happens to be a Mohel (pronounced Moy-el) - the spiritual designate who performs circumcisions for Brit Milah - the Hebrew name for the ritual) indicated that both boys presented indications that required the surgery. Let me tell you I was grateful we had chosen this doctor to do the boys' procedures. Both boys had a lot of adhesions inside their foreskins, lots of irritations, and things that likely were uncomfortable. But, as with Zackary's teeth, he didn't know what it was like to be truly comfortable until he'd had his teeth fixed. Discomfort was just a way of being. Similarly we don't know how long these problems had existed for the boys so we know once they heal they'll probably feel better than ever. Aleksandr's condition was not as severe as Zack's, but we now knew why he kept having recurrent irritations. Thankfully that will be a thing of the past.
In Zack's case, unfortunately, he had a tissue band that was wrapped around the head of his penis, had scarred, and fused, pulling the head downward. The doctor said he'd never seen anything like that in a child so young, and we won't ever know if it was something with which he was born, or that could have been caused by ill or inappropriate care before we got him here. His surgery ended up being more extensive and required a bit of plastic surgery to finish up. He ended up with a hematoma (burst blood vessel) that has caused a great deal of swelling and bruising, but we've already noticed an improvement insofar as he does not run to the bathroom quite so often. It had become an issue for him at school as the kids are given a certain number of passes to go to the bathroom outside of their usual breaks. He was using his passes up by Tuesday some weeks. I asked him this week if he's noticed his urge to go to the bathroom has changed. He thought about it and said he didn't feel like he had to go as much.
As a parent, the toughest part was watching the boys come out of anesthesia. One never knows what that kind of trauma can bring up for children like mine, but both came out of surgery very angry. The doctor had given each of the boys a shot of long-acting anesthetic in their 'nether regions' before sending them to recovery. I don't think it did the trick. Both came out screaming in pain and, while Zack was waking up (he was first into surgery) I asked the nurse to get Zack a shot for the pain. She insisted this was just how kids wake up from surgery. Once Zack could open his eyes and look at me, I asked him where it hurt. He said he couldn't talk so I asked him to point. He pointed where you'd think he would after the kind of surgery he'd just had, so I put my arms around his head in an attempt to comfort him, looked squarely at the nurse, and asked as calmly as I could again to please get him some pain meds. She said the doc. hadn't ordered anything and I told her to go ask him immediately. She said he was in surgery... I reminded her he was in surgery with my other child and she had my permission to ask. She insisted it was just the anesthesia and that he wasn't really in that kind of pain. At that point I stood up looked her squarely they eye, asked her how SHE knew he wasn't in pain, and told her to get him pain meds NOW.
Another nurse came in at that point and gave her the OK. I was almost furious, yet amazed at how calmly I remained. It did get to a point where the boys had to be put in private rooms because they were both howling, and other patients were recovering from surgeries. While they were trying to settle Zack down they had to ask me to leave. I think that was the most upsetting thing for me because I couldn't even imagine what all of this was bringing up for him.
Aleksandr's experience waking up was similar to Zack's, only he was downright angry. He slammed his IV arm on the bed railing until the spint came off and flew across the room. The nurse and I worked to calm him down and hold his IV arm so he did not injure himself. As a testament to his improving language, he squealed at one point "Hey guys! STOP TALKING! YOU'RE ANNOYING me!!!" which made me and the nurse laugh, but clearly trying to talk to him to calm him wasn't working. I asked that one railing come down so I could get in bed with him. The nurse hesitated but I looked at her pleadingly and she put it down. The MOMENT I slid onto his bed and put my arms around him he began to calm down. Then I requested pain meds for him as well and got no argument that time. The best part about all of that is the neither of the boys remember it. I knew they wouldn't, but it didn't make going through it any easier. I still remember it. But far beyond their pain, my concerns were for the unknowns of their past and how this might trigger something. Ultimately, we got to the surgical center at 6:30 am, and we were home by 11:00 am where the boys could sleep off the effects of their morning.
Happily, they are healing remarkably well. It's been difficult to keep them still during the first few days, although when they walked or tried to run they did so as if they had a load of bricks in their pants - that was good for a chuckle. But I'm grateful this is behind them and that they are so well on the mend.
I love those boys and look forward to their continued growth and improvement.
May everyone's new year be happy, healthy, and prosperous... here's to more adventures,
B.J. November 28 Full (Family) CircleWell, whew... we're back from Chicago. Truthfully we've been back for a couple of days but I had to take time to recharge my batteries and get back on a schedule - a routine. My bod still thinks I'm in Chicago to a certain extent and, while I slept like a log last night, I'm certain I've got another night like that coming.
This past week was just great. It felt like we came full circle with the boys. For starters, I haven't come home to see my family in over a year (more like 18 months) so it was great to get back and see everyone. I got to show the boys where I grew up too. That was cool. Of course my childhood home has since been torn down and a gigantic mansion built in its place. Took the boys a bit to get that their mommy did not grow up in a mansion (complete with 4-car garage, maid's quarters, and 12 seat theater), but I've got pictures somewhere so I'll show it to them when I come across it at some point. They also got to see my elementary, middle, and high schools which was cool.
We also went to visit a couple of awesome museums while there - the Museum of Science and Industry is one of my favorites, and the boys certainly enjoyed themselves as much as I did when I was a kid. I learned a little more about Aleksandr that day. In one exhibit, while there was so much to stimulate a child's mind, Aleksandr was automatically drawn to the security key pad on the door. Any other kid wouldn't have even noticed that! The other place we visited was the Kohl's Children's Museum - a very hands-on facility for kids 12 and under. The boys had an absolute blast there too.
In addition, I think it was important for them to see where their Bubbe and Zaide, and aunts and uncles live - to 'be' in their spaces. We got to spend Thanks Giving with my brother Marc and his wife Jackie. Jackie made a most incredible spread. We went around the table and spoke about what we were thankful for. When we got to Zack he got flustered and embarrassed and asked to be passed over. Later that night in the car he expressed his frustration in being too overcome and self conscious to say what he was thankful for. We asked him to tell us and he said "I'm thankful for God". Wow. Powerful and profound for an 8-year-old, but kids just 'get' stuff most grown ups miss. So, seeing everyone in their element was important I think. Up until that time they'd gotten a very disjointed view of their family when first they all met because people came out in clumps. But after the party we threw for my parents' 60th wedding anniversary, they got to REALLY see the magnitude of their new family and I am certain it overwhelmed them. It was good, but I'm so glad we did things the way we did. Waiting the year to bring them full circle, and on the occasion of a special family event, was probably more meaningful and left a lasting impression, and gave then a practical picture of their family. It also gave us an opportunity to take a family portrait complete with grandchildren (mine included) and a GREAT grandchild. Truly an awesome moment in time seeing the product of 60 years of commitment. Truly.
While we were in Chicago, we stayed at my brother's home (many faithful readers know him as 'Uncle Broccoli' if you kept up with the comments left while we were in Russia) in his finished basement. It was pretty cool, although we had some issues with who slept where, and one minor wall paper peeling incident where Aleksandr decided that he'd get back at Zack for something (Zack made him angry - gee... a daily occurance these days) by peeling a few bits of wallpaper. Andy handled it gracefully. I was really upset, but he sat down with Alek and they had some 'guy' time to sort it out. I made Andy laugh at one point when I told him it was difficult to concentrate on much of anything because I was constantly trying to make sure the boys didn't burn his house down. Having raised girls, he really appreciates now what we're dealing with. Where his house was full of stuffed animals and doll houses, for one LOUD week, he got to see what little boys can be like. Rather daunting. You'd swear there was a wild herd of SOMEthing running amok in his home.
But by and large, the one thing I KNOW my boys felt was accepted, and loved unconditionally, and wanted, and a part of something. For that I am most grateful. While I have my own little issues to sort out (I've really let myself go a bit in the weight area and was prepared for judgements that come from families... but was pleasantly surprised this trip - if there were judgements - and my insecure self feels mildly certain there were - they were not spoken and that was just fine. I went on this trip wanting to love and be loved. In fact these concerns I brought with me caused me to look inside at my own stuff and start contemplating my own lifestyle changes. In due time they will come because, frankly, children learn best by example, and what a beautiful way to set the example, much as my parents have set one for me. As always thought, a door can be opened, but we much choose ultimately to make the commitment to fully walk through. It seems the Universe is screaming that it is time for change. During our trip, we got a call that Rick's brother had a heart-related health issue. It turned out, thank GOD, to be nothing, but he must step into a new lifestyle to ensure he is around for his family. It gave us pause to look at our own habits (or lack thereof) and start identifying where changes need to be made. I for one am taking stock in my own lifestyle changes. Aside from an occasional pedicure for myself, I seldom take time for myself and my own well being. I look forward to these changes though because not only will I feel better, but it will also be an opportunity to set an example for the boys. Kids get so much from us just from our actions alone and it will be great to set an example for them that can impact their lives positively.
As we were packing up all of our things and preparing for the family party on Sunday, I asked Zack if he ever thought he'd be part of such a large family. He said "No". I then asked "Are you happy to be a member of this one?" to which he answered withy a very warm and sincere "Yeah". Warmed my heart. They have arrived. They belong. They matter.
I'll be updating pictures in a few days so stay tuned and check back.
Cheers,
B.J.
November 14 F-5 Hurricane...It's GRRREAT to be back. All the Steri-strips holding things together came off in my second week of recovery. At nearly four weeks since slicing and dicing my fingers, one remains 'funky'. My right middle finger seems to have suffered a smidge of nerve damage and the site that was cut is still numb and a bit tingly. It actually gives me the willies to be quite frank, and typing reminds me each time that finger strikes a key. However it is just a matter of getting used to the feeling and I'm sure it'll become second nature in no time.
For the most part the boys were a tremendous help to me while recovering. I never realized how much I need those fingers. I also think it gave the boys an opportunity to develope their compassion when I was unable to do the things that I generally do. It made them think about how they could contribute, then follow through with whatever the task.
Halloween was a blast this year. Seriously... I can't remember the last time I enjoyed it this much. Zackary was a Ninja Turtle and Aleksandr was a scary hooded monster with a hatchet. In fact, one of our neighbors came to the door with her 2-year-old. Alek wasted no time stepping outside, comPLETEly invading this poor child's personal space, and going 'AHHHHHH' very eerily in his ear. The kid started to cry, so I ushered Aleksandr in as quickly as I could (It all happened so fast) and I felt TERRIBLE - but ya know we all giggled about it a little after the fact. Hey! It was Halloween! That little boy should consider himself an official kid! He has now had a bona fide Halloween scare!
But on to the F-5 hurricane we had last week. It was a doozy to say the least. The boys' life coach warned us that Aleksandr would probably start acting out moreso than Zack. She was right. And the issue was over little more than going to the park. Alek has been really trying our patience lately. Much of it is, I believe, typical 4-year-old behavior, but probably also mixed in is a recapturing of the control he lost (or had taken) when he was little more than a zombie in his previous life. That said, when he wanted to go to the park, noting we'd had some difficult evenings recently since he began resisting naps, I told him if he wanted to go to the park he would have to take a nap first. Initially he agreed, however when it came time to nap he chose to play and get crazy around the house, deliberately refusing - yet still expecting fully to get his way. I very calmly told him that we would not be going since he chose not to nap as we had agreed. The drama that followed was quite a thing. The screaming was unlike anything I had ever heard from him before and it alarmed me a bit. I put him in his room and forbade him to come out until I told him to. Rick gave him pillows on which to beat out his anger (his play therapist/life coach recommended this when the boys got angry), but he responded by throwing the pillows back at Rick. I called our life coach and she could hear the screams on the other end. She said they were the screams of a child who had once been abused. She had suspected that of the two, Aleksandr was the one who had been abused more during his previous life. (I still have trouble accepting or even acknowledging that someone may have done really awful things to these boys before we came into their lives. The thought makes me sick, as well gives me a sense of powerlessness to know there are things in these boys' pasts from which I will never be able to protect). The fact that we put him in his room and isolated him, she said, was exactly the right thing to do. She spoke about taking him to this raw emotional place. Now we needed him to absolutely wear himself out there.
Aleksandr spent the rest of the night in his room, emerging only twice - once for dinner, and once to shower and brush his teeth. He had taken a full sized chair at one point, and by himself, flipped it over and moved it completely to the other side of the room. He hid under it for a good portion of the night. When bed time came, we helped him put everything back in place. Zack climbed into his bed, and Alek climbed on my lap for a moment. I just held him and he put his little arms around my neck (his hugs are yummy). I rocked him for a moment and gave him a kiss, which he returned. Then he got into bed. I think he was asleep before I'd finished the first page of the story for that night.
The next day he was clearly exhausted, but much calmer and much cuddlier. The day after we had an F-3. More isolation time, but recovery was much quicker. Aleksandr is definitely pushing and testing his boundaries. But I can only conclude that he feels safe enough to be that raw and real with us. Zack is coming along, although we do frustrate one another. However, the highest compliment I got was from their life coach. After a particularly heavy session, she revealed to me that Zack is clearly feeling safe with us. He knows we talk to his coach and understands that anything he says does not change the fact that he's here to stay, because he feels safe enough to share things with her still. She said the fact that he feels safe enough to be candid with her when he is angry or happy - but especially when he is angry - shows just how safe he feels with us. It is a tremendous benefit for him in order for him - for both of the boys - to be able to gain closure with their pasts, and continue developing as they press on into their life journeys. We feel honored to be the people to help guide these little souls into personhood. They are amazing, wonderful, loving, funny, generally happy children. I look around and I think 'Wow... we really lucked out. In spite of the rough spots, we REALLY lucked out.'
Next week we fly to Chicago and the boys are SO excited. We'll be staying at Uncle Andy's house and they simply can not wait. We have been counting down since the middle of September. While most of my immediate family has come to meet the boys, the family experience will come full circle as they get to see the rest of their cousins, aunts, and uncles, and see where everyone lives. We've got a fun week planned, including a family Thanks Giving dinner at Uncle Marc's and Aunt Jackie's home, plus a big party for Bubbe and Zaide (Grandma and Grandpa) as they celebrate 60 years of marriage (and Zaide's 82nd birthday). I haven't been back in OVER a year since bringing the boys home. I can't wait to introduce them into the place where it all began for me. I am beginning to realize how important this is to me in a way that words don't adequately describe. Writing it here I feel it.
So we're back in action as we forge ahead as a family. To those reading this entry - sorry I was away so long. Thank you for visiting and not giving up on my site...
Have a wonderful Thanks Giving if I don't make it back to write again before we take our trip.
Love and hugs. There is so much to be thankfl for this year (and every year to be sure). Much love,
B.J. October 23 Parents are People TooHi there. I'm gonna try to keep this short as I injured both of my index and middle fingers over the weekend which makes typing very difficult. I have already corrected several typos...
The boys got to see this past week just how mortal their parents are. On, of all days, Friday the 13th, I became ill with a nasty stomach virus. I awoke that morning feeling particularly 'funky' but went about my day getting a potroast in the crock pot and getting the boys ready for school. But I still felt 'funky'.
By the time I had to go pick up Aleksandr from school for the day I had already been to the bathroom a number of times and I KNEW something was terribly wrong. I could not wait to ge home, put Alek on the computer to play, and go to bed. By 2:00 I was so sick I was emptying myself from both ends - in mom-speak I was multitasking. Having never been this sick since our boys came home I was really concerned that Aleksandr might be afraid if he saw me throwing up as I was. ZAck was still in school and Rick was coaching, and here I was with my head in a bucket and completely unable to take care of my child. We have a child safe internet program on our computer called Razzul and it did the trick keeping Alek occupied though. I did not need to supervise this activity so I was grateful for Razzul. During a brief respit from puking I called Rick and begged him to pick up Zack and come home, which he did. I was completely unable to function. The boys were not allowed to come anywhere near me which was difficult for them, and all Aleksandr wanted to do was take care of me. But I could not let them close to me for fear they'd get sick too... even though stomach bugs are generally catching a few days before you get really sick.
Long story short, the following Monday was Rick's turn. I can honestly say in the 21 years I have known him, I have NEVER seen him tha sick. Ever. And I was still recovering but suddenly had to take care of Rick and the boys. I wasn't ready yet! I've heard of these nightmarish family sickness episodes, but being one of the ones who was so sick was a real trial. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But we managed to get through it ... that is until this past Saturday.
I was in my shower letting the conditioner absorb into my hair and noticed the drain needed cleaning (multitasking again). I bent down to remove the flat metal plate that covers the drain. It has slats in it for the water to seep through. I have done this dozens of times before, but for some reason the plate stuck and when it finally came undone, it did so suddenly. I knew I'd cut myself. But when I went to inspect my hands, I realized how badly I had done so. Blood was pouring off of my four fingers. I rinsed the cuts in the shower water and could see the extent of the damage. I couldn't get the blood to stop so Rick had to get towels to wrap my hands, rinse me off, dry me, dress me, and then care for the kids. My amazing and wonderful friend Michelle came and took me to urgent care where, thankfully, because the cuts were so clean, I had the choice to get stitched up or have steri-strips glued to my fingers to hold them shut. I opted for the strips and now have the equivalent of 4 stitches between three fingers. Makes typi9ng difficult (I've gone back and fixed most of my typos), but I'm managing.
Last night the boys did the dishes for me for the first time. They also eagerly helped me prepare dinner. Their showing of compassion has been so touching as they ask how they can help, or Aleksandr cautions me not to do something lest I hurt my fingers. This week they have seen me fall terribly ill to the point where I could not care for them or myself, and then they saw me recover and take care of Rick, then they saw me make a complete dinner and bring it over to someone's home whose husband is dying and in hospice, then of course gettin hurt in the shower - I may be a mommy, but mommies arfe people too... these are the things that are so difficult to teach a child, and can only be taught by doing. While I could have done without the stomach ailment, and I certainly could have done without these cuts, if this is what it takes to teach a little compassion and understanding for what happens in life, I'm there.
Gonna stop for now. Fingers throbbing.
Hugs, Beej.
 B. October 11 Personal Growth...Hi all. First, to the poster who inquired about our visit in Arizona with the host family - the visit was just wonderful. Zackary (He changed the 'h' to a 'k') got to see that they had moved on. He no longer asks why we cam for him and they did not - we told him that their job is to help children find their families, which was how Zackary found us. That family is now fostering about 5 children - they are truly remarkable people and those children are luck to have that kind of care.
As for the four-year-old behavior... yeah... we know a lot of it is age appropriate, but knowing that Aleksandr does have somewhat of a mysterious background, you just can't help but wonder where the line is drawn between being 4 and having a rough first three years... we may never know.
Finally, while I KNOW I am not special as far as the trials and tribulations of motherhood are concerned, rather than grow into them with the boys, we got into it rather suddenly and, even though I know I am NOT alone in all of it, sometimes it does feel that way... but reminding myself (and being reminded) of this does help, so thank you for that... and of course, as mentioned in my last post, since it takes me some time to adjust to changes, and since his behavior changed noticably all-of-a-sudden, I'm still settling in - and regarding getting down on their level - I spend a lot of time on my knees. Through trial and error (mixed with intermittent common sense - these days mine seems to be intermittent) we discovered that getting on their level is much more effective.
Now, on to the beauty of a growing child. Last week Aleksandr went for his one year wellness check at his doctor. It is very clear (especially since he began putting pants back on - the weather is cooling down here) that this kid is growing and developing well. He eats like a champ (I think I mentioned my Costco bill was up 6 times from the previous year) and my food bill over all is staggering. While expensive, I am grateful that my kids love fresh produce because it has clearly contributed to their growth and development.
At any rate, Alek had his check up and the doc was very pleased to see his progress. He did need to get some booster shots, for which he was prepared. Several people had told me NOT to tell him he was getting a shot, but I thought it was more important to prepare him lest he lose trust not only with me, but with the pediatrician's office. The nurse even said I shouldn't say anything, but while there was a little stress and anticipation, he was able to adjust to the idea that it was a possibility. Good thing too... If you recall from my earliest posts, last year it took three nurses and me to hold Aleksandr down, and FIVE nurses and me to hold Zackary down. Last year's shot endeavor was just plain ugly (of course during that check up we also had to get urine samples and I got peed on so turn about is fair play I guess). Anyway, Alek needed a Hep A, A-Cellular DPT (that's the one that hurts) and a flu shot. Two shots to the left thigh, and one shot to the right. But this year it only took him sitting on my lap and olding him still while one nurse administered the shot. He screamed, he cried, and then it was over. He did just GREAT and I was so proud of him!
But the best part of his visit was his growth progress... Aleksandr was in the 25th percentile for children his age for heighth and weight in that first year... and in one year's time he has progressed to the 50th percentile in both areas. I was amazed at his progress and the doctor was thrilled as well. Now, the drama that ensued post doctor's visit was laughable. From his appointment we had to go to school. Alek was a happy kid, especially because one of his band-aids had Elmo on it. A thrill for sure for any four-year-old. But the MOMENT we stepped out of the van to get to his classroom, the drama began. He'd wince and say, seemingly to himself, 'Ouch', 'Oooch'... and, he wanted to take the sticker with him that he had gotten at the doctor's office (I had offered to hold it for him for after school). We walk in and he looks around like he had just gotten back from battle. All the kids rallied around him and he announced to his audience, verrry dramatically, "I got a shot..." His teacher mentioned that one of the other kids had to get a shot and that boy stepped up, lifted his shirt sleeve and showed Aleksandr where he'd gotten his wound. Alek promptly lifted his short legs and showed his wounds of war as well. Then he held up his sticker and said "Dis my sticker. I got sticker..." with the same forlorned, woe-is-me voice.
I swear, if I'd had a golden Oscar statue, we'd roll out the red carpet and let him make his speech.
Next was Zackary. Zack's visit was not quite as eventful other than that I had both boys with me in a 6x6 room which was a nuclear explosion waiting to happen. But Zack went through his check and - same thing about shots - the nurse kept telling him not to worry about it but, well, he knew better and he needs time to be prepared. Once again I was glad I told him the possibility existed and that at the very least he'd be getting a flu shot so as to keep him healthy for his Chicago trip. While his growth was not as significant as Alek's (last year he was in the 10th percentile for weight and 15th percentile for height, and this year he has improved to the 20th percentile for weight and the 25th percentile for height) progress is progress and we were very happy. The doc also said his growth is proportionate so that's good news. Not knowing the genetics of his birth parents it's difficult to determine how big he'll be when he's finished growing. Check back in 10 years and I'll give you some idea.
But in his case, he too needed to get shots and received Hep A , something else but I need to look it up, and then he got his flu shot. As with Alek, where it took 5 nurses and me to hold him still last year, he only had to sit on my lap. The only challenge he had was that he just needed a moment to prepare himself and the nurse wanted to get over it. I knew that was what he needed, but she's done this a few times and knew it was best to just get it done. He put his foot up and pushed her away begging her to just wait, and I tried to get her to listen to him, but she was on auto pilot. A second nurse appeared and for a moment I thought we were going to have to do the same thing as last year. She just held down his foot. He kept saying the entire time he didn't need that... they got the first two shots done while he protested about being restrained more than just sitting on my lap, and then he started to complain about the second nurse holding him. He said she didn't need to. I told her to please let him do it on his own and she kindly stepped back. The nurse administered the final shot, he screamed, cried a little, and then it was all over. He really did great. He just needed time to prepare himself. Next year I'm going to remember that and be more of a champion for him. But he did great.
His drama later came in the form of a poor child who could not raise his arms... "How will I play hand ball at school?" he wondered.
All in all, a MUCH more positive experience from last year, and it was very validating to see their progress and growth, and to hear the doc say how healthy they clearly were. Eyes, hearing, and all parts in working order. Zack may need glasses at some point (His vision is 20/30) but so far it does not appear to be an issue for him.
So, until next time, we should have some fun reports on Halloween for the boys. They are really looking forward to that this year.
Enjoy the crispy fall weather (unless you are reading from somewhere on the other side of the globe - in which case it may well be summer...).
Here's to health,
B.J. October 07 Knowing When to say 'When'...The past two weeks have been full... VERRRY full. First, a recap of our high holy days was eventful - much moreso than last year. Last year I felt directionless, like a fish out of water, with two children suddenly who had very little idea about who we were, what they were doing at a synagogue children's service, or what the HECK anyone was saying (Hebrew - English... it all must have sounded GREEK to them!). Anyway, I felt so out of sorts last year, but found myself feeling much more settled in one year later. The boys were generally very good for the holidays due in large part to gaining familiarity with their surrounds and the people in those surroundings. For us, the highlight on the new year was being honored by being asked to perform the 'Hag Ba' (well, Rick was asked to do that part - it is the tradition where, once the Torah has been read from during the service, a [generally strong and agile] congregant is asked to lift the entire Torah up above his head and turn his back to the congregation so everyone can actually see the word of the Torah...). This is a very high honor, that comes with a subtle hint of competition... for the men in my family like to compare notes and see who held the scrolls apart farthest thus revealing the MOST number of columns for all to see... (my almost 82-year-old dad claimes to have revealed FIVE COLUMNS on one such occasion - sorry Rick... you have thus far managed three... you've been trumped by an old patootie). The Rabbi generally asks Rick to do this on the new year because he's a big, strong guy and at the start of the year we begin reading the Torah from the beginning again, so the scrolls are very uneven in balance. One is virtually empty while the other holds the bulk of the Torah. IN essence... Rick was holding nearly the entire Torah with one hand high up over his head... oy. Next, Aleksandr and I dressed the Torah. I strapped the scrolls together with great difficulty (mind you this was a 400 year old Torah and I did not want to be known as the one who smushed this valuable document), pulled the dressing over the top, and then the Rabbi lifted Aleksandr up so he could re-hang the Yad (a silver pointer used to follow the Hebrew as it is being read) over one of the scroll.
Aleksandr was so THRILLED to do this, and when we stepped down and went back to our seats, he promptly picked up his prayer book opened it, and lifted it high over his head for everyone to see - just like his daddy had done with the actual scrolls. It was so great. Love seeing him mimick us. For those wondering, Zack was with the kids in the kids' service but Alek, for some reason, wanted to be with me most of the time. The following week at Yom Kippur, he was less interested and hung out with the kids and his brother.
Anyway, that was a great sense of closure for me. The previous year I was crying at the drop of a hat. Things were SO different and, I must say, one of the deepest things I have realized about myself is that when something changes, and not terribly gradually, I crumble a little. But the crumbled substance mixes with water to create a concrete base, which ultimately congeals and I can again stand strong and tall. It just takes me time to adjust to stuff. Change is something some people do better than others. I'm one of the others I guess, but having an awareness like that can only serve to make me better down the road.
To that end, the topic of this post is "Knowing When to say When"... it is a tough one to write because we've got some tough stuff going on right now. You'd think our challenges would be with Zachary. But they are not... Alek has started to really act out and it tests every ounce of patience we have, along with every drop of self confidence.
Are we doing it right? Are we doing it wrong? What are we doing? It all has been coming up as Aleksandr has taken his testing to new heights. If there was an Olympic sport called "Testing your Parents" Alek would be a world famous gold medal winner hands down. He is talking back in any way he can think of. He is grouchy, obstinate, conniving, manipulative, and is constantly trying to pin stuff on his poor brother (in fact, I was in a store a couple of weeks ago and could not resist buying him a t-shirt that reads "It's my brother's fault"). He is lying and attempting to rule the roost. If I am resting at night with Zack on a weekend, he'll physically try to push him aside not because he desparately wants to be with me, but because he wants to upset his brother. He teases him mercilessly and even takes some of Zack's things and hides them.
Many reading this blog will say "My goodness, he sure is acting like a FOUR YEAR OLD!" and that he is... But through play therapy it appears he's also acting out; something we were warned would happen, but something his coach was surpised began as soon as it did. It is wearing us thin, and we (me, Rick, and the play therapy coach) need to sit down and devise a new method of discipline to curb and guide Alek as he goes through this transition. She fears he may have actually been through a bit more brutal stuff than Zack - stuff we may never know about, but stuff he is clearly being affected by. One thing that does NOT appear to be managing his behavior is the use of time out. She thinks, and we think she is on to something, that the negative attention is actually providing a source of comfort to him. So Rick and I are beginning to ignore him completely when he acts out. We'll stop the inappropriate behavior, but rather than feed it with attention, he gets none.
This afternoon was a perfect example ...
Some neighborhood kids came over to play with the boys for a bit today. Alek began getting a little out of control but wasn't getting the attention he felt he wanted. He snagged something of Zack's and came near me - making sure Zachary saw he had it. I very calmly asked Alek if it was his. Zack immediately piped up and said it was his and I tried to calm him so as not to feed into Alek's little drama.
I asked him - again if it was his. He whined. Then I asked "WHO DOES THIS BELONG TO ALEK?" He responded 'Nuffin'... I asked him again and again until he very snidely responded "ZACHARY's!" I took it from him and turned my back on him. It was hard. His response? He got up and walked over to his room. But on his way he put his chin down, stuck out his bottom lip and tried to look at all of us out of the corner of his eye to see if we all saw him walk, defeated, to his room. We went about our business of chatting and playing. After about 10 minutes he came out and looked around to see if anyone would make a fuss about his re-emergence. Nada. So he skulked under the dining room table with an egg timer that was left in his room. That I saw so I only asked for the egg timer back. He defiantly said 'no'. I asked for it again. He put it on one of the chairs. I said "NO. Alek, BRING me the egg timer please." He reluctantly emerged from under the table and handed it to me quite hard in the palm of my hand. I grabbed his wrist and asked if he though he had handed that to me nicely. He said no so I gave it back to him and he handed it to me properly. Lotta work for an egg timer.
He eventually got over his little snit and was able to join in the fun until our friends left for home. This si going to be an on-going work in progress to get this boy on the straight and narrow. But with great help and tremendous support we're on our way for certain.
Thanks to everyone for reading... Alek had his one year check up last week and I was blown away by his progress! Monday Zack has his and I'll report back on both then.
Cheers to all,
B.J. (this year's recipient of the totally frustrated and exhausted mother award). September 22 FYI... I do NOT Withhold Food from my ChildrenToday, September 22, marks the 21st anniversary of the day Rick and I met. It also marks the Jewish New Year 5767. Things were so different last year and it is remarkable how we have gelled as a family. I will expand more on this in a later post.
Right now I am using this space to comment on the two commenters who expressed their concerns about a punishment handed out to Zachary when he attempted to steal some money... I absolutely do NOT withhold food from the boys. To these posters - a clear misunderstanding to that post - I am withholding HOT LUNCH privileges from Zachary. He still gets fed, but I pack him his lunch and he takes it in the morning, rather than let him buy it at school. In fact it is probably more nutritious than what he can buy himself at the school cafeteria. But for him to be given the responsibility to handle money and purchase his own food one day a week, and to try and take advantage of that responsibility by not being up front about what he chose to do with the change he got, means he loses the responsibility to buy a hot lunch like a 'big kid' for a while. It does NOT mean I do not feed my son. He gets a sandwich, fresh fruit, veggies, a yogurt stick or a cottage cheese double, sometimes an apple sauce snack, a fruit leather snack, and a drink. In fact, he is generally unable to finish all that I give him and he brings the rest home for an afternoon homework snack.
I realize I do not have to defend or justify my actions to anyone. But I felt if two separate posters misunderstood something I wrote as seriously as they did it needed clarification here. I could get pretty jumpy about the misinterpretation made were it not for the fact that these folks clearly had Zack's best interest in mind, and for that I am truly grateful. I would never EVER withhold food from either of the boys as punishment (unless we're planning to go out for ice cream later and their behavior warrants no ice cream - that HAS happened but I do not count Ice Cream as real food).
So, yes, Zack is not allowed to buy hot lunches on Fridays at school right now, but he does bring a very complete lunch with him each day (except on the days I'll let him take a lunchable - I hate those things, but on the mornings when there seems to be less time than other mornings, lunchables save the day - not often, but occasionally, and it's a fun treat for him).
Thanks for the concern though. It gave me an opportunity to more clearly state the case...
Cheers to all... L'Shana Tova (Happy New Year),
B.J. September 16 Things that I love...This morning was a crispy morning by Southern California standards. It was cool in our room, the window was open, and a cool breeze was flowing in through our window. The smell of freshly cut grass was floating in the air and the weight of the covers made me feel toasty and snuggly. It was delicious - a delightful change from the heat waves we had been experiencing recently.
As my awareness crept in, the sound of my children sang in the other room. I first became aware of them around 5:30 am. While I was disappointed that I did not get to sleep later, I kept still and just listened. For about three hours I drifted in and out, but I realized I enjoyed just listening to them play; listening to their happy voices; listening to them be children.
A year ago, the boys were always very quiet in the morning. A year ago, I watched as Aleksandr just stood at the back of his pre-school class and watched, arms clenched to his chest almost as if in prayer, as he watched with bewilderment as his classmates played. He didn't know what it was to play, to interact, to express himself like other children. Zachary was a dark and brooding child. He wanted to command other children in order to feel as though he had some sort of control over his situation and environment. That included controlling those around him. It made him feel safe. It made him feel isolated and alone...
But this morning, I was overcome with joy to hear the boys actually pretending. They were interacting with a combination of toys to create their own little town. The went and made orders at a drive through, they went grocery shopping, they played at the park... one became a fireman while the other became a policeman. They took on roles of the residents of their little town and did what developing children do. I found myself laying awake and straining to hear their play. It brought me deep joy and gratitude.
We have Zachary currently in two after-school-enrichment programs - one where he learns to build paper airplanes and helicopters. The other is a chess club (he calls it chest club) where he is learning the game and strategies that go along with that. Today I took a 2-mile hike in the mountains and reflected on my early morning musings, and now, as I write this, I am listening to Zachary as he implements his first paper airplane lesson and teaches Aleksandr how to make one, and they are laughing gleefully as they play with their hand made creations.
Parenthood is hard. To anyone with multitudes of children, I bow down to you - but I bow down to anyone with children because now I know... I get it. It's the one thing in life that will kick you in the rear and then hand it to you for inspection. I get frustrated with the boys, and they with me. I feel bad when discipline is doled out and someone is crying and angry and I am partly the cause... but to hear these boys laugh and play, and MAKE BELIEVE - it is such a gift to know that they have that. To be a part of it and witness their on-going transformation, it's nothing short of watching a miracle unfold.
I am grateful for my time alone on that mountain. But I am equally grateful for these things that I love...
(who now have turned to hollering at one another, ahh... brothers)
In case you missed it, I actually posted yesterday for the first time in nearly 3 weeks... so be sure to catch up.
Have a beautiful Saturday.
B.  September 15 Catching up...Didja Miss Me???
So sorry I've been out of touch for so long! Moving back from Summer's schedule into a school year has proven a challenge. It's like switching gears but dropping your clutch. As with manual transmission however, I know as time goes on I'll get more used to it. And next year the boys will be on nearly the same schedule.
We've been busy making sure the boys get settled into their school routines (and me as well), and I'm getting myself back into a take-care-of-myself schedule - something I let go this past summer. I have never felt more like a piece of pulled taffy as I did this summer.
For starters, the boys have officially requested new names... Dima, as I mentioned earlier, requested an 'English name' about a week into school. There appears to be no reason other than that - he wanted an English name. He understood that this meant he'd be using this new name exclusively. We have him a number of choice, and ultimately he chose the name 'Zachary', which is poetic since, when we were trying to have our own child, we'd chosen thatas a name for a boy if we'd had one... we did not influence him in any way, and initially when he heard it among a bunch of other names, did not like it. But a few days later, after mulling over names he decided that was the name he wanted.
Sasha decided he wanted to go by his given name - Aleksandr. In fact, he went to a pre-pre-school party one of the moms put on to get the kiddies re-acquainted after the summer, and having been 'Aleksandr' for only one week at that time, when anyone referred to him as Sasha, he flat out ignored them. It was the funniest thing I ever saw from a child that age. But you know what? EVERYONE has it straight now...
It was strange around here for a while (in fact, up until about a week ago) because it felt like we were playing a game of some sort by calling the kids by a different name. Truth be told, I think changing Sasha to Aleksandr was healthy, because we've since found out the boy responsible for most of Zachary's torment and abuse at his orphanage was also called Sasha. A number of people have lamented about changing their names, about how it was a connection to their culture and past. But Rick and I felt strongly about honoring a wish like this for them. While their names do represent their identities, for Zachary especially, it also represented abandonment, fear, sadness, hunger, etc... it's easy to romanticize everything, but for them it was anything but romantic. We chose not to change their names at first because enough in their lives was changing. And we were told this was a very common thing for older adopted children to do, primarily to draw a line in the sand, step over, and start fresh.
Another development has been for Aleksandr. I took him to have his speech evaluated and assessed. It was agreed that he could benefit from some speech guidance. While he's probably developing speech just as all children do, because he is older, any assistance we can give him to catch him up can only help. His IEP (Independent Education Program) is scheduled for September 27, and seeing how he continues to flourish, we know we'll be able to get past his frustrated tantrums once he is better able to express himself. Lately, he gets angry when he is unable to communicate clearly and pitches a fit. It's frustrating for us too. Hey, if the service is available (and our taxes pay for it anyway), and if it can only serve to help my child, that's one bandwagon on which you'll find me.
I will say however that I'll miss some of his "Sasha-isms"...
Mass-topatoes = Mashed Potatoes
Bubber = Silver (which also became the name of our van)
Pay Mano = Play Piano
Tatar = Guitar
Wane-dwuss = dangerous
And all the running around and singing he does... we'll better be able to sing along once we know some of the songs he's bellowing.
We had another 'incident' with Zachary last weekend which involved catching him sneaking into our room at 5:00 am to rummage through Rick's loose change. That coupled with a white lie he told about change from his hot lunch rendered him 'hot lunchless' for the next month... needless to say it was a tough lesson he learned about telling the truth and being responsible for his actions. All I want for my kids is for them to be happy and healthy and secure within themselves. Zachary is still a pretty tough kid, but we're learning how to deal with each other. That is an art all its own. <Sigh> I feel as though I had little direction in this entry. Making it back to the keyboard was an effort in-and-of-itself, and I hope, as my schedule settles in, that my writing will provide a cleaner window as we continue to grow and form our family unit.
Until next time... I'll try not to be a stranger!
Beej. August 24 A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned...Well! Tomorrow marks one year since we stepped off the plane! Look how far we've come! The transformation in the boys (and in us) has been remarkable to watch and witness. With all the lessons that have been learned and experiences that have been had, I feel as if I am so different now than I was a year ago. And while I understand that we don't need to find the lesson in each and every experience, the lessons are out there for the learning. For those who have left comments, please know that I read and deeply appreciate each and every one (and to Jeankfl, I tried to respond to one of your comments that moved me deeply... and my e-mail barfed and the message was lost!).
So, what's up with this entry's title? Let me tell ya, we had a doozy this week. But it was cathartic in a very unexpected way...
Dima has returned for his second year at school, in the second grade. He's happy there (after a rocky first day) and is making new friends and likes his teacher very much. Every so often the school sends home order forms from Scholastic which provides them the opportunity to buy books and games for themselves at really inexpensive prices. The things purchased help purchase books and such for the classrooms and library.
Dima has decided he wants to start trading and collecting Yu-gi-yo cards and stuff. It's not a cheap endeavor, however, through Scholastic he gets a whole kit with cards, books, collector's tin, etc... for $4.95. We told him for games and such he can use his own money for his own purchases. He was agreeable to this initially...
He counted out his money carefully (mostly coins), we put it in an envelope with the order form, and he took it to school. Turns out that even though the form says "Money or check" I think they meant 'Money Order'... to Dima, that meant I should pay for it.
I told him I would take his money and put it in my account at the bank and write a check for his order. Rick and I felt this was a perfect opportunity to teach Dima the value of money, as well as how cashflow works. For only $4.95 this turned out to be a very difficult lesson for him to get. He began to cry and fuss. He said he did not want to buy it with HIS money, but rather with MY money... He said it was MY JOB to buy things for him because he's just a kid... Oh. REALLY???
SAYS WHO???
REALLY. I stayed remarkably calm at this point and told him he could absolutely keep his money, but then he would not be able to get the item he so wanted to buy. Then I explained to him that if I went to a grocery store to buy, say blue berries, and told them that I did not want to use MY money to buy them, and that the grocery store should just GIVE them to me because it was their job... and if I left without paying for them, I'd go to jail for stealing. It was a stretch, but the point was made. He said again it was MY JOB andI told him tha tMY JOB was to love him... and I do - but that everything else is fluff... I do not HAVE to clothe him or do his laundry, make his meals, clean the house, etc... all of that in the grand scheme is extra. He has said in the past when we would not relent and get him video games, that he'd save his money and buy his own. Fine. But would he be willing to part with his money at that point? We made it clear that at this point we won't buy stuff just because he wants it. This particular experience was very upsetting to him as he has issues about things being taken away. He also has this overwhelming sense of entitlement that takes me aback now and again.
So, how did this little episode resolve itself? Dima was so upset with all of this he was crying over it. One of the things that comes up in our play therapy sessions is that the boys (Dima in particular) need outlets to express their frustrations and anger in a physical way. We're currently looking into getting a punching bag in the house, but clay works wonders. Rick has also discovered that slapping a dish towel on our family room coffee table is a great way for the boys to release negative energies. So Rick went into his room and got an old belt. He folded the buckle end of the belt a couple of times and left the long end hanging out. Then he told Dima to just hit that part on the table as hard as he could. It was as if he'd forgotten that he was upset with me and put all of his energy into slamming the table with the belt. While this was going on Rick asked him if he'd ever been beaten with a belt. Very casually, Dima said that he'd been hit many times with a belt at the orphanage by one of the kids - with the buckle part - he said he was 6, and it hurt, but he didn't cry.
Next, Rick assured him that he would never EVER be hit with a belt by us and that no one should ever use a belt to hit someone else... but he wanted Dima to pretend the table was that person who hit him, and to give it all back. The fury Dima unleased on that table was palpable. I felt the lump swell in my throat and I had to go to another room and have a good cry. You could cut the emotion with a knife. I later spoke with the boys' therapist who said I should have let him see me get upset. Dima did not break down to tears during this episode, which she feels he needs to do - to be completely emotionally vulnerable. But this was a start. It was as if a veil of rage was lifted for a time, and without being asked, Dima then went, counted out his money, put it in a baggie, and have it to me for the bank.
I wrote the check and gave everything to him for school the next day.
The fact that he was able to at least get this aggression out in a constructive and safe environment was really something to witness. He is such a good boy - a sensitive child - a loving child. It was truly a beautiful thing to see. And once his order comes in, he'll have a sense of pride that he paid for it with his own money. Bless his heart he's made dramatic progress and we're thrilled with him.
And after all of that, he asked if he could change his name to an 'English' name as well. That's a work in progress and I'll let you know if that ever comes to fruition.
Until next time, here's to the completion of our first year. It sure went by fast!
Sasha begins school in 2 weeks and I look forward to the further growth we'll see in him. He'll also start speech therapy at Dima's school during that time as well, so we expect to see vast imrpovements in his language (although I'll always love to hear him say 'mashed topatoes' (mashed potatoes) and tell me when things are 'wain-dwus' (dangerous) and so many other Sasha-isms that are so sweet and adorable). Such a cute kid!
So until the next post - keep checking back... lots coming up - particularly a trip to Chicago in November to meet the rest of the family and celebrate my parents' 60<sup>th</sup> wedding anniversary. It will be a big deal for them to see how the family comes together. We've got lots of plans for the boys in their second year in America. We managed to swing four free tickets to anywhere in the US and we think we'll be making a trip in the Spring to Disney World and Epcot Center! Can't wait to see the boys' faces during that time... these are the things, as a parent, we look so forward to...
Stay tuned for more posts.
Hugs to all,
B.J. August 19 Testing... 1-2-3... Testing... test, test...... and BOY OH BOY ARE THEY TESTING~!
Before I recap our trip to Arizona and Dima's first day back to school, I'd like to acknowledge yesterday - August 17, 2006. I fully intended to post on that date but lack of sleep and some last minute work took its toll on my time and energy. Energy's pretty sapped today as well but I have been wanting to post for several days. Being that Rick is away on a business trip in Alabama and I am balancing the kiddos and housework myself, posting is a late-at-night-very-end-of-the-day activity for now.
So, what's so big about August 17? It marks the one-year anniversary of our day in court when the judge said "You are now parents to these amazing boys..." I paraphrase it of course because she read the decree in Russian and I only got the gist of the translation from our translator, who provided just the highlights. But to us, that was what it meant. The day passed very uneventfully. I got to bed SO late and got up SO early. Rick's mom came by to take Dima to school so Sasha and I could take Rick to the airport. The previous day was Dima's first day back to school and his behavior was in the toilet so he unfortunately ended up with restrictions galore - no TV or computer games for three days. It started with no TV for Wednesday, then no computer. Then the same for Thursday, then to Friday... then I started to take away his back pack.
Understanding of course that this child suffered from more than the usual trepidation on his first day back to school - he was a little more anxious than the average kid. The only thing familiar was the school itself. Beyond that the classroom, teacher, and - except for a couple of girls, the classmates were all different. But I was not about to let bad behavior slide regardless and he suffered the consequences of his actions that first day. However, he has since done REALLY great the next two days and his teacher is really interested and caring about how he settles in - without singling him out I might add - something that his play therapist considered a big no-no (and on that first day he found ways to single himself out by being a class clown, although his teacher said there were other kids who were acting up too - very unusual for a first day back to school). Either way, this tells me that I made the right choice NOT to try and get him into the school closer to us. He will stay at this elementary school until he's through school. Any bit of consistency is good here.
Now, as far as today goes, I made three - count 'em THREE - trips to the Dr. First, I took Sasha in to have his throat checked... he'd been complaining for a couple of days but mostly when he was getting into trouble so I was suspicious he was trying to divert attention. Last night while I took him to the bathroom, half asleep he cried out and complained so I figured it was worth investigating...
He does not have strep, thank goodness, but the doc did see some post nasal crud which he said could be irritating the throat. We'd have to ride it out but at least it was nothing serious. Probably just a mild cold. Later that day Sash complained his eye hurt but it was during a rather fitful time-out so I dismissed it... stay tuned for that one...
Next, I picked up Dima from school and his teacher told me he had a great day, but that the girl next to him decided it was time for a hair cut and went to cut her own hair. Dima saw this and tried to stop her (no doubt remembering when Sasha decided to do that same to himself, Dima, and the dogs). Unfortunately for him his thumb got in the way of her scissors. They patched him up at the Nurse's office, but suggested I take him to have it looked at. I asked him how he felt - did he want to go home or did he want to go to the DR. and have it checked... he wanted to have it looked at because it hurt. Trip #2. Thankfully, while it was a nasty open wound, it was NOT deep enough to warrant a stitch or two. The doc derma-bonded it. Dima got glued back together and we were off...
Tonight we had dinner and the boys were generally really pleasant so I thought it'd be fun to take them out for ice cream. While there I looked at Sasha and saw a green eye cootie on his iris - same eye he'd complained about earlier. My brain immediately diagnosed him with pink eye and I knew he needed drugs ASAP. Off we went tonight for trip #3 to the urgent care center. We waited there and got discharged (no pun intended) at 10 pm right at closing with a conjunctivitis diagnosis, so off to Long's Drugs to get the prescription, where we had to wait for about 35 minutes. The boys were absolutely climbing the walls by this time and it was all I could do to not string them up by their thumbs. Dima was particularly challenging. He whined and moaned and, just as I was trying to check out he decided it would be a good idea to start punching all the buttons on the credit card scanner, making my transaction nearly impossible to complete. I asked him to stop and he ignored me. I asked him to stop again and he ignored me a second time. I finally grabbed his wrist firmly and pulled his hand away and he made eye contact with a defiant stare and a clenched jaw and began punching the buttons with his free hand (the little snot), and I served him a time out as soon as we got hime. When I tried to get the Pharmacist to give me a quick consult on the eye drops Dima continued so I knelt down and looked him straight in the eye and told him he had to sit on the floor beside me. He refused and I asked him if I would have to force him down in front of all these people (you can't believe how busy a drug store is at 10:45 pm on a Friday night). He looked around with his signature scowl and I said "Hey, I'm not the one misbehaving here. They are going to see a kid who is behaving badly and a mom who is making him mind... who's behavior do you think they'll be disappointed with? My guess is your behavior so I suggest you sit down quietly and wait for me to finish."
With all this going on the busy pharmacist had gone back to her work. I told her I was now ready and she came back out and gave me the lo-down on Sasha's eye drops.
All-in-all a lovely day. I'm beat. Rick comes home Sunday night. I called to tell him what was going on and he asked if I was trying to make him feel guilty. I said "no, I just want you to know all the fun you're missin'!"
Ah, the joys...
So, last week we went to Arizona for a few days. The trip was great. This is monsoon season for Arizona so we caught some spectacular lightening shows all around us on the way out there. The boys were fascinated, although it did not quell their share of 'are-we-there-yet's', or Sasha's own rendition "It's TAKING TOO LONG!!!"
But beyond that, the boys did really well. It was interesting to see them interact with their cousin Jared. First off, the kid is HUGE! He's 5½ - will be 6 in October - and he's off the charts size and weight-wise. To give you an idea, Dima is 8½, is about 52" tall, and weighs about 57 lbs. Jared, a full 2.5 years younger, weighs about 70 lbs. and is about 2" taller than Dima. He also wears a full shoe size bigger than Dima. He ALSO is quite the alpha child - much like Dima, so it was interesting to watch them interact all weekend, vying for the alpha position. Sasha kind of hung back and did his own thing showing up as the third wheel a lot. The boys were generally up by around 6:30 every day, and all their running around made the house sound like it had a herd of elephants stampeding through the house at any given point... but they had a ball together. Our trip was not without some extraordinary tests as well. Dima walked right into Rick's brother's house and went straight for their master bedroom. I asked him to stop and he just ignored me... three times. I understand a child's curiosity, but one of them was in there and I had no idea if they were presentable or not. I had my computer in one arm and grabbed him with my other. He immediately sat down and defied me. I tried to explain to him first that he must respect other people's homes, and second ALWAYS listen to us - and if he chose not to listen there would be consequences. I called to Rick for some help and Rick had to pick him up and carry him into the next room so we could lay down the ground rules (not that he was planning to play by them). It was as if he was testing us to see if our parenting rules would be upheld outside of our habitual abode...
Newsflash Dima... "YES"!
During our stay we also went for a visit with the family Dima stayed with during his initial visit to Arizona. He'd been asking me why they did not come for him and we did. It was good for him to see them - to see that they were still the wonderful people he remembered, but that they had moved on. Currently they have five foster children they are caring for, ranging in age from 6 years to 3 weeks. He still asked, but I was now able to explain to him that their role is to help kids find their families, much like they helped us find Dima and Sasha. He'll still ask because I'm sure he thinks it would have been a party the entire time had he stayed with them... but he got to see it come full circle.
The next day, Saturday, we decided to take all the kids to see the movie 'Barnyard'. It was a really cute movie (except that the main character was a 'Male Cow' with an udder which I found difficult to get past - that and the fact that a 'female Cow' (which is rather redundant) gave birth to a calf much like a human does - well they did it appropriately for a kiddie move - cow in the hay stall, but sitting on her back with a blanket over her - it just seemed wrong to me) and the kids had a ball.
Anyway, prior to the movie, Dima really went to testing town... there was this huge puddle by the car and I could see his little wheels turning - he wanted to splash and jump just as we were all getting ready to go in... I cautioned him not to do anything rash. He looked at me and with that same look of resolve, took a giant leap and jumped over the puddle. He looked back at me and I asked him again not to lest his younger brother and cousin decide to copy what he was doing. He clenched that jaw and jumped back all the while his gaze fixed on mine. I took his wrist firmly (mind you that when I grab a firm wrist his arm can move freely in my grip, but my grip is one of steele and I have so far been able to maintain it if there is a struggle) and asked him if he was having trouble hearing me, and that if this was going to continue he was not going in to see that movie.
He began to struggle, and when people were around yelled 'OW!! YOU'RE HURTING ME!!' which he has done before - generally when he has an audience. I just as loudly proclaimed that he was only hurting himself because he was struggling, that my grip was not too tight and he knew it...". One of the times he gave one of his glass shattering screams when a group walked by, but I squatted down at his level and reminded him that his bad behavior was what people were seeing, not that I was restraining him with one hand around his wrist. I told him he had a choice - he could stop struggling and apologize for his behavior (the puddle incident was the climax of a day of testing), or we could go home. He insisted on struggling and refused to look at me or apologize. I gave him several chances - by now the rest of the family was already in the theater. He repeatedly chose NOT to apologize and continue to test. I finally took my cell phone out and called Rick to come back to the car. I walked Dima back and suddenly he was begging for a second chance. By this time he was crying and trying to make up for his bad behavior but I wasn't having it. Rick came back to the car and I decided that I wanted to see this movie, so his consequence was that I would hold his arm as we walked to the theater (which he fought a bit still), and after the movie, while we all went back to the house and swam, he would have to sit and watch us for 15 minutes... and if he continued to behave badly he'd add 5 minutes on every time he had to be reprimanded. Well, he did not like that, but he finally started behaving better.
The following Monday we were home (with the same kiddie utterances... 'how much longer?' 'I have to go piska!' and Sasha's ever-present 'It's TAKING TOO LONG!!!') and Dima had an appointment with his play therapist. She asked if he'd gotten in a bit of trouble on our trip and I related the incidences to her. She said he drew a picture of a house this time with bars around it. Interesting. I asked him about his session and he told me he got to pound play dough. I asked what or who he was pounding. He said he pounded me because I yelled at him, he pounded his dad because he felt like it, he pounded Sasha because Sasha keeps hitting him and then running to me when Dima returns the punch, and he pounded Liz, his therapist, because it was 'fun'. I addressed why he was pounding me and we made a deal. I told him I would not yell at him, but that he needed to work on the disrespectful behaviors that frustrated me to the point of yelling. I am happy to report that I have not yelled at that child since we made that deal. Making a deal with your kid really forces you to check yourself. It has also given me a bargaining chip to remind him that I am not yelling while he may be misbehaving or not listening.
All-in-all, an exhausting week, but I have to say that behaviors are showing signs of improvement and we are learning a great deal about ourselves and one another. I'm grateful to be here and to be a part of shaping and molding these fabulous little people. I'm starting to see glimpses of the really fun-loving person behind that wall called 'Dima'. Sasha is just a stand up comic in a four-year-old body. There are many laughs to come with that kid. And Dima, in spite of all the aggrevation, hugs and kisses me more and more each day and week. Slowly but surly these flowers are blossoming into fragrant (and boys ARE fragrant), lively, strong, colorful, beautiful flowers...
Until next time, this is one pooped out mommy signing off.
B. August 09 The Littlest ComedianOur little Sasha. What a character. This post will be a short one but I had to share this one little funny that came up this morning.
I was under the weather today (girl stuff) and feeling quite uncomfortable. I attempted to stay in bed a little longer than usual this morning but the boys ame in and started climbing all over me. I actually quite love it when they do this and it never really bothers me, as long as, in this instance, I was laying down.
It seemed a near family affair including me, boys, and doggies (Rick had to run off to an appointment and missed the fun). After a while Dima had had enough and left. Sasha decided to go to his room and get his giant stuffed horse. This thing is bigger than he is and is a big brown horse in a 'down' position. HI hear him grunting and groaning, and at one point he exclaims "oh, too heavy!", but he presses on...
I opened my eyes just in tim eto see him hoisting this giant stuffed toy onto the bed and then I saw a glimmer of 'something' go across his face - clearly he ahd observed how dogs like to greet one another. Both dogs were watching him intently. He takes the horse's butt and puts it to Milo's face and exclaims innocently "Here doggie... smell!"
I about died laughing (literally because my abdomen was so crampy already it hurt to laugh). Sasha often comes up with some gems, but this one was one of the best.
We're off to AZ in the morning. The boys are so excited they can hardly contain themselves... I'll report once we've made it back thome.
Cheers,
B.J. |
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